Hi Everyone- Life is good my fellow DBers and we need to cherish all that we have. I found myself a little emotional today and fighting tears when I was stuck in traffic behind a car driven by an elderly man who was accompanied by elderly woman passenger. Their bumper sticker jumped out at me and read as follows: "My Grandaughter Was Killed By A Drunk Driver And I'm Madd." I didn't know them, but I somehow wished that they would pull over somewhere on my route so that I could follow and simply say that I was so sorry for their loss. That might seem to be a strange aside to recount here, but somehow I know there is some relevance because my real detachment started during my separation when I was able to see so much more clearly all that I had instead of the one-track vision of what was missing. It's an ongoing journey to make sure that I stay focussed on all of the wonderful things that are in my life and that bumper sticker today was just another reminder that life is so precious and unpredictable.

Hi Optimistic, my H visited me and our children at our house. He stayed here several times with our children when I went away for various weekends. Although at times I fluctuated re. whether he should have them at his house overnight for him to see what it would be like, he never pushed for it and I sincerely didn't want them confused unnecessarily at their young age (1 and 2 when he moved out). It did have the downside of my feeling like I needed to leave my home and go out when he visited the girls, but I realized that that it was a choice I was making in not encouraging or asking him to take them to his house and that I had to deal with those consequences. Optimistic, this was often not an easy situation and my emotions were definitely on a roller coaster. Yet, with good planning, I managed to get out of the house and visit friends for a movie or dinner, or simply head to the local Barnes and Noble for a good cup of coffee and lots of browsing time. I can relate to those moments of "doormat feelings" and my advice is to find additional positive things to do that are just for you. Do not assume that your H is thinking about things as much as you are and that he is, thus, just knowingly taking advantage of your good nature and flexibility. Reaching the point of being detached from your H will allow you shed the resentment of what he is or is not doing and permit you to live your life for you while remaining open to reconciliation.

I think I was mysterious after while and my H noted it, along with an increased confidence level on my part. I rarely made announcements re. my plans and resisted all temptations to date others. I realistically could not picture dating while my goal to be with my H again was at the forefront of things. Good luck Lisa.

Hi Survivor, I rarely initiated contact with my H unless there was something pressing re. our children. It got easier to resist those "have to call him" moments when I truly was able to sit back and predict the UNLIKELIHOOD of him giving the reassurance that "everything would be o.k. for us" when I felt like I needed that reassurance the most. Neediness, when they are in the middle of their own drama and issues, I've found drives them further away and that, in turn, leads to feelings of setbacks that we beat ourselves up over afterwards. A miserable cycle, huh? So, it perhaps comes down to slowing down your reaction time and understanding what your goals of initiating contact really are and whether they will likely be achieved. Each situation is different though so you have to think about the dynamics with your W and what her needs may be at the time (uninterupted time, opportunity to miss you more, a 180 in hearing things she's never heard before...). Hang in there Survivor.

Hi FBOW, the dynamic of getting closer and then needing some spoken assurance of progress is so fresh in my memories. To be perfectly honest with you, I think those needs of mine, which drove me early on to initiate many OR conversations, may have, in part, prolonged my separation. Ahhh, if hindsight could only be bottled and sold! We would have a few good outings and I'd inquire "so, don't you feel better about things?" I, of course, wanted to hear a resounding "YES," but he would often withdraw and say something along the lines of "can't you just let things be for a while and enjoy this withouth analyzing it?" They're in a different place when they've left. They may be tempted to return, but are afraid. We know we want them back more than anything else and then somehow through loving detachment we need to be o.k. with the possibility that all of the wonderful evenings out together may not guarantee their return. When you know you'll be o.k. if he doesn't return FBOW you'll be able to analyze less and enjoy more. He may sense your ease and confidence and you may reach a turning point sooner. Best wishes FBOW.

Hi Theressa, I think things really improved dramatically once he returned when we both started listening to each other more closely and gave more thought before reacting. For example, I needed more empathy from him and he needed to feel "safer" in expressing ideas and proposals re. things with which he knew I'd likely disagree substantively or procedurally. In simple terms, we are kinder to one another and I think openly have and show more respect for each other.

Goodnight everyone and maintain that positive mental attitude--Jamie