Why are parts of the body off-limits.

[RJ]

If W offers “duty sex” take it and be glad, truly glad, show her the affection you feel, make her feel like she has done a good thing not something second best. Reward her efforts. She will feel she has done a good thing, she will want to do that good thing again. Don’t get into the mindset of thinking “well she’ll just thinks that’s good enough”. That’s not how people work, reward the good and she will strive harder not less.

Hmmm. As one that has provided 'duty sex' on occasion (when I feel that H is going to lose the plot soon), I have to say that I just want it over with and hope that it never happens again. I'm doing something I really have no desire to, but if I don't my life will be hell until I have sex. If the partner offering is happy to provide it then fine, you just have to make sure that is the case. I can only offer my perspective in my R.

CeMar sounds so much like my H it frightens me. My H has said similar things as CeMar such as 'If I knew this was going to happen I would never have married you'. Well, I may have changed, but he has to realise that he has also. A lot of changes have been due to having children - hormones, sleepless nights, no time to myself except when the kids are in bed.

Up until only a few years ago, H was not overly affectionate or romantic but he did like his sex - that hasn't changed! It took me a long time to come to terms with the 'he isn't the holding hands while walking down the street type of guy' and I never tried to make him something he wasn't. So, for 10 years or so we went along with sex being the only way that he showed affection for me and that was fine with me. Sex was ok, but I never O'd much. Then the first child came along. I was breasfeeding, not sleeping, hardly ever left the house except to go to the supermarket. I did not feel very sexy and got very resentful that H still had a life - he could come and go as he pleased and got to talk to adults! Sleep took precedence over sex and I got really irritated when H thought he needed sex more than I needed sleep. He also started groping me a lot more, which was just intolerable as I felt like a piece of meat. A cow for the baby and a toy for the H. We stopped having sex and I didn't miss it. The days, weeks and months went by until H would blow up and I would realise how long it actually had been.

So that's what it was like until our 2nd child was 18 months old - a year ago. Since then we have been trying to work on things. I have seen doctors, which couldn't help with my problems, I have taken herbal remedies, read SSM and Passionate Marriage and we have seen counsellors together. You know what the biggest problem ended up being? Thinking and talking about sex all the time and how much of a failure I was. I just got so sick of the whole subject that I felt like I was on overload (this is part of the pressure I was talking about in my other post) I developed an automatic cut off switch. The subject came up and I would just tune out. My H said I was a 'cold, heartless bitch' and I suppose I was. It was either that or go completely insane.

So I have been trying not to think about things too much, that's why I haven't been around for a while. Trying to get into a better headspace. Now I just have to work out how to enjoy sex again.

Jeez, sorry about the long post, maybe it will give CeMar an insight to the other side of his M.