OK guys listen up. I am here posting as HDW with LDH. When I came back to the boards our SL was down to once a month usually with me initiating. Historically we have had long patches where I have felt higher D than H but I have also heard him complaining that I am not giving enough sex either.
The thing is last night I had a HUGE insight into how this whole LDW thing gets started. Our sitch has recently been improving and we have ML much more often and things are clicking. Night before last H initiated, he was pretty drunk and as a result (as he openly admitted) he was a bit desensitized and couldn’t “get there”. I laughingly said I would take full advantage and sure enough I clocked up about 7 O’s, there was a lot of EC too and then finally he O’d too. The final O that I had was (to me) that rare and special truly satisfying deep O. And here I have to say that when this happens I feel emptied of any further desire for sex. The next night (yesterday) H initiated again, and I flat out had NO DESIRE the previous night really had filled up my O tank. Now if I had not known what I know now, if I had not been posting these boards, if I had not known how dangerous it is to cross that line, I would just, as good-naturedly as possible, have shrugged off my H’s advances. Like someone pressing a 4th slice of chocolate cake on you after you’ve just eaten the biggest meal of your life. With the best will in the world you really can’t use any more. But sex is not food and a full love tank is not a full stomach so I was able (and it was a struggle) to get past the lack of desire and do it for H. Now I know a lot of you guys complain about W’s that just do it “for you” and I can understand that. The difference in the way I did it for H was that I started by explaining how incredibly satisfying the night before had been and then I whole heartedly got into holding him, kissing him and being full on affectionate with him while he did his stuff.
I think it is really easy to see how a W who does not have the insight I have spent a lot of time and trouble in getting to would not have been able to react this way, would have shrugged H off, would have ended up with him feeling PO’d and more grabby more needy. H then tries it again next night but the dynamic is already a little off kilter and all it takes is a little bad luck, bad communication for each to become further entrenched in their positions.
The only way to release that pressure you say your W’s feel is to really release it. And the only way you can do that is to look inside yourselves for ways to really “do it for her”. Just let go of the need to have sex, let it float away from you. Do not fear this, free yourself somehow of that need and that pressure that she says she feels even when you don’t do or say anything really will go away. How do I know this, because I freed myself of the need to protect myself from H’s advances.
If W offers “duty sex” take it and be glad, truly glad, show her the affection you feel, make her feel like she has done a good thing not something second best. Reward her efforts. She will feel she has done a good thing, she will want to do that good thing again. Don’t get into the mindset of thinking “well she’ll just thinks that’s good enough”. That’s not how people work, reward the good and she will strive harder not less.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
