Hi Alex- Sorry to hear that things haven't changed much in your situation with your H.
I think my H realized a number of things on his own and, in part, because of some prodding by me. Although in the beginning he was clearly unprepared to take any responsibility for the problems we had encountered, he showed a willingness to listen and participate in conversations re. our troubles after I backed off for quite some time (many months). He simply had to be ready and open to see honestly where we went wrong. And, in addition to his readiness, I had to change my ways of trying to persuade him that I had all of the answers and plans to cure everything. I know that sounds very general and perhaps simplistic, but it really came down to completely abandoning the "blame game" and starting on a healthier course. It actually meant the two of us discussing our different approaches to life itself. For example, my analytical, detailed planning approach was fine on my own but did not always mix well with his more laid-back ways. The former was interpreted by him as control attempts. His style had threatened me I suppose because once there were children in the picture I felt and continue to feel planning was (and is) essential to a healthy environment. Nevertheless, we openly began talking about how desirable it was to strike a balance between what each of us felt was the other's extreme.
Although I've given you a specific example Alex, it is actually one that flowed over into a communication breakdown and resentment on both of our parts. I catch myself from overreacting to things and my H seems to show much more compassion and attentiveness to our relationship in every area. I don't try to read into every look and statement anymore and see the big picture more I guess.
The patience part of all of this until they are ready to accept and see things in a different light is tough one obviously. Each situation is riddled with its own specifics that make it feel almost intolerable at certain points. There were times during our separation when I wished that my H was around more so that he could feel all of the good things we'd shared in the past and could begin to share in the future, but, by contrast, there were those other times when I was so thankful that he wasn't here to see my weakest/neediest moments when I felt a compelling urge to do whatever it would take to make it all "perfect" right away. The fact is that they're ready when they're ready and not before then, whether we're living with them or separately.
My patience, which admittedly waivered at times, came from filling my time with many new things with my girls. There was almost nothing that I found I couldn't do with a 2 and 3 yr. old. I also got a sitter and did more things with friends when they were available. I needed to laugh more and regain my sense of humor, along with a love of life in its simplist forms. I couldn't let myself fall into the trap of analyzing everything too much like I had during the beginning stages of our separation. Life was simply too short to get too caught up in what he needed to go through on his own.
I'm not sure if any of this is helpful Alex, but the key seems to be to let your H do what he is going to do (you can't stop him) and focus on you and your children. It is probably impossible to know or fully understand what is going through his head so give up those attempts until he's ready.
You asked whether I fell out of love with my H and I can say that my feelings were on a real roller coaster and that my love was certainly blocked for a while. How much of that was an implicit reaction to the comments of "I only love you as the mother of my children" v. moving on emotionally I'll never really know I suppose. What I do know is that I have fallen in love with him in a new way. I guess that poses the question re. whether you can fall in love with someone again until you've fallen out of love with them. The distinction doesn't really matter, but I've learned a lot and have the benefit of hindsight to say that our new relationship is a million times better than our old one.
I'm thinking of you and hoping for the best--Jamie
