Hi Everyone- This is the first thread I've opened since my H returned home at the end of the summer after our 21 month separation and I have to say that things are better between us than they've ever been. I am a firm believer of DB for many reasons, but the primary ones are that it helped me reach the point where I honestly knew that I would be fine regardless of whether my H returned and it helped me piece my marriage back together. I waited a full 6 months before fully reporting back here because our rebuilding was a gradual process, as had been the deterioration of our marriage, and my focus, with the exception of sporadically posting on others' threads, was on continuing my DB efforts once we were living together again. Even in my now healthy marriage, I catch myself occassionally by guarding against falling back into some negative patterns that I took full responsibility for when I looked deep inside myself during our separation. My H and I have openly discussed the things he did that contributed to our problems and he too has clearly changed. So, in a nutshell, we both have made necessary changes and continue to grow.
When I look back and read some newer posts on the board now I can so vividly remember the pain I experienced and the roller coaster ride that went on and on and on. I remember wanting to detach from my H's drama and trying to develop strategies to have him notice the "changed me," but my detachment came only after I knew and practiced that I would be o.k. regardless of what happened with our marriage. I didn't shut him out of my life, but I didn't openly invite him along. There was no longer a compelling need on my part for OR conversations and I was relaxed on both the outside and the inside. We took a family vacation four months before his return and had a wonderful time. A couple of weeks later he stated that he wanted to return home to me and our two children. Naturally, I wanted that immediately, but it became clear that it needed to happen on a slower track.
Once he moved back home, I went through the process of having to catch myself in those moments of wondering whether he was here to stay or "just testing the waters." We slept in separate bedrooms initially and it was another phase for me to understand how he could be so sure he was here to stay yet not crave physical intimacy with me. We talked openly about it and decided that we would become the best of friends again before taking further steps. With that as history now, I'm so thankful for how things went upon his return. I had had an overwhelming desire to make up for lost time and I suppose it might have been riddled with some predictable neediness that I thought I had shed during our separation--further evidence that there is always more to be learned and absorbed in the DB way.
I again thank Michele and everyone here for helping me through my darkest days and helping me to find the strength to do what I needed to do to get my life back on track. "Getting my life back on track" was not a guarantee that my marriage would come back together, but it was a guarantee that I'd find myself again and pursue what it was that would bring happiness to me and my children. You know who you are and I love you and think of you often--Jamie
Jamie, I am so happy for you!! Glad to hear that your marriage is better than ever. Keep dbing. Thanks for posting your story, it is inspirational to all.
All I can say is WOW! This is wonderful. How great to hear from you, Jamie. In particular, how incredible it is to hear the great news. You are so smart, so patient and your DBing efforts have really paid off. Not just for your marriage, but clearly, for you as a person. I'm so glad things are working out for you. You deserve it!!!!
And yes, it's hard to be perfect, isn't it? Making being solution-oriented a way of life is wonderful but it's also challenging. We all have to work at it all the time.
So thanks for the update and for bringing inspiration into the lives of everyone who visits here. Look for your post in Another Divorce Busted Forum! Keep up the great work. Fondly, Michele
I have waited for the day you would write about your "Success Story"!But then, Jamie,I must say that you personally have been a success story for quite a while.
Your H is so very fortunate to have such an outstanding woman for his wife. The sacrifices of self that you have made for your children and for your marriage have truly paid off in the most perfect of ways...in the healing and renewal of your relationship with your husband.
quote: I can so vividly remember the pain I experienced and the roller coaster ride that went on and on and on. I remember wanting to detach from my H's drama and trying to develop strategies to have him notice the "changed me," but my detachment came only after I knew and practiced that I would be o.k. regardless of what happened with our marriage. I didn't shut him out of my life, but I didn't openly invite him along. There was no longer a compelling need on my part for OR conversations and I was relaxed on both the outside and the inside.
I again thank Michele and everyone here for helping me through my darkest days and helping me to find the strength to do what I needed to do to get my life back on track. "Getting my life back on track" was not a guarantee that my marriage would come back together, but it was a guarantee that I'd find myself again and pursue what it was that would bring happiness to me and my children. You know who you are and I love you and think of you often--Jamie[/B]
Jamie - Thank you, thank you, and thank you! These are the words I needed to hear right now. Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it, but I think the attitude you have about the process proves that it IS worth it, no matter what the outcome may be.
I'm fairly new and haven't followed your story, but I want you to know how inspiring this post has been to me. I would wish you good luck in the future, but I don't think you need any luck, it sounds like you already have the skills to thrive. Thanks, again.
JJ
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Jamie, I just want to conmend you on a job well done. I hope things go well for you and your family. I've also been helped by your wisdom.
If I remember correctly you and I had alot in common. My H and I are also piecing things back together, but I guess I haven't truly detached. When things are going good I tend to start expecting too much, and always end up gettig hurt again. There's an OW in the picture and it's been 15 months since I found out about her. (H said that it's over but that's not my first time hearing that.) At first H was ready to give up everything to move in with her. But over time he seems to want his family. When I think everything is going good between us then I find out that they are still seeing each other. I do believe that one day I will be a sucess story, but as they say "As long as OW is in the picture"....you know the story. Things have improved he tells me that he loves me he, and we're planning on going on a cruise later this year. I just afraid of being hurt again and again. My question is how do I handle this? I've tried "acting as if" and it helps sometimes. I do know that things are a hellavalot better than this time last year. I just need advice on how you handle these issues. And any other advice you may have on detaching.
I hope you don't mind the questions but you should know that with every sucess story comes alot of questions.
Again congrats on you sucess and I hope that you don't mind helping us along the way.
Hi Everyone- Thank you so much for your continued support!
Kath- I hope you're well and keeping up that PMA! Thanks again for your consistent encouragement.
Michele- It's always wonderful to receive your kind words. I am such a firm believer in your approach to life generally and to saving marriages specifically that I've recommended your book and this site to several friends who have unfortunately encountered marital problems. You're helping more people than you realize Michele.
Jenny- I've missed you my most reliable DB friend! Thanks for believing in me and always being there. I hope you, your H, and Ss are well. You're the prize Jenny and your friends here knew that long ago!
Chelsea- I hope you and your boys are having a good winter and taking advantage of those snowmobiling opportunities. You regularly boosted me when I needed it and it was so appreciated. Take care fellow New Englander!
JamesJohn- It truly is all worth it because no matter what you'll have likely excelled personally and be prepared for a balanced and healthy future. Best of luck.
Patience- I still love that popcorn you know! I've just switched theaters and let up`a bit on the butter! Hope you're well Patience.
FBOW- Great to hear from you. Keep the faith and remind yourself of the positive direction that things are moving in for you and your H. That glass is more than half full! I hope you go on that cruise and have a wonderful time--a round of pina coladas on me bartender for FBOW and her H, along with some upbeat steel drum music!
I don't know how often you check in, but I was wondering how you implemented your LRT?. Any and all ideas would be welcome. I usually post in "We're Separated". Have just decided to start implementing LRT (separated one year), and would appreciate any and all advice. I will do a search for your threads.
