Kansas, I've been there and can really feel for you. A couple of books that helped me were "After the Affair" and "Infidelity, a survivor's guide." Everything that goes on when a spouse cheats on you is on their timeline, not yours. I believe your wife probably knows you forgive her, but she can't find it in her heart to forgive herself. She probably wants a life with you, but can't face the shame she has brought upon herself. My H said he was staying for the sake of the boys and that he was probably giving up the one true chance at happiness that he had. It killed me to hear those words, but I thanked him for at least thinking of the kids. I felt like I was walking on eggshells around him for a long, long time. Intimacy was regained by little things such as back rubs, foot massages, listening to his stories when he gets home from work at 1 am when I have to be at work by 7am. Intimacy does not always mean sex. As time went on, though, we regained the passion in our sexual relationship. Our communication skills have gotten so much better. In our 14 years of marriage, we never went away alone together. In the past 6 weeks, we have dropped the kids off at mother-in-laws and went out of town for some alone time twice. we have not had one fight in the 5 months that we have been in the rebuilding stage. We have learned to listen, comment, share our feelings without getting upset about things. It is almost like the affair has strengthened our bond. The other day on our way home from our overnight trip, I said that I was so glad he gave me another chance. He said that the amazing thing was that I gave him another chance. I told him that I always loved him. He said, me, too. I just forgot for a little while. So if you are both in the same direction heading towards rebuilding your marriage...just be patient. Have dinner ready for her one evening. Leave a note in the morning just to say Hi...i was thinking about you. Have a great day. These are little things that might bring intimacy. Even though it is very difficult...have your sad moments by yourself. Before you ever think to bring up things about her affair that upset you...think about what the fallout might be and if it is really that important to know. You are on the right track. It will just take time. good luck....Karen
