Boy, you certainly appear to be an assertive individual. I am, however, glad for your interest in my situation and welcome your suggestions.
Many, many thoughts are running around in my head right now. Much of what I've just learned needs to be further digested.
In the meantime, while I'm re-reading and reading/listening to other sources of knowledge, I'll be truly backing off, the way that my W has been asking.
Additionally, I've begun to realize how obsessive I've been over this situation (although to an extent I should be, and should have been); but I've ignored other important aspects in our lives that desperately need to be tended to.
So essentially, the light has come on, my head is still coming out; I have a lot to learn, about our situation and about myself. I have many traits, mannerisms and behaviors that I need to continue to work toward improving or eradicating.
Organization and the formulation of a plan is next, and greater or deeper understanding of the details of the information that are being provided to me.
I know it's a bit intangible, but right now I'm feeling a little fried, slowly I'll improve, patience hasn't exactly been one of my virtues. But it will be.
P.S. By any chance, GH, you see in me some of the negative qualities that you had or have? Or perhaps you just don't like me? You seem a bit on the aggressive side of assertive; or am I being hyper-sensitive again?
Not to speak for GH (because he certainly CAN do it for himself), but he really isn't being assertive/aggressive or otherwise with you (in fact, in my experience, he is likely one of the least aggressive individuals on this board). He merely is trying to re-focus your efforts onto what is important here: namely, your self-improvement. Identify those things in YOURself that needs improvement and work towards that. Come up with some ideas/goals and work towards them.
I'm not completly up on your sitch, but I will do so and provide whatever input that I can in the future. In the meantime, think about some of the things you have learned and put them into practice.
All the best,
Rob
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
I have, and I continue to introspect against my own shortcomings.
About six months ago I began to seriously question and examine myself; feelings, decisions I've made, mannerisms and behaviors, qualities, etc.
Being the type of person that I am (OK, controlling) I organized them into a list and formulated a plan for reducing/removing them from existence and making amends for the damage I've been perpetrating against others because of them.
I assumed responsibility, for myself and my actions, subsequently I began and continue to change. My fear, however, is that they were too little and too late for my lovely W.
Quote: Boy, you certainly appear to be an assertive individual. I am, however, glad for your interest in my situation and welcome your suggestions.
I'm not sure how I went from honestly addressing your sitch to being overly agressive/assertive but...
My last post was not a challenge, really, I wanted you to post what you learned from the book so that we can understand what YOU want and what your goals are. I was not trying to be anything but helpful and apologize if you have taken what I have said any other way than that.
Sometimes, and much more so lately, I have been quick to post more openly and directly because I have found that the people who chose to do this for me instead of trying to be nice or pull punches as it were.
Quote: P.S. By any chance, GH, you see in me some of the negative qualities that you had or have? Or perhaps you just don't like me? You seem a bit on the aggressive side of assertive; or am I being hyper-sensitive again?
Absolutely, which is why I have been so direct and able to see things you are doing that are counterproductive. I even said as much in that long post a couple days ago.
I surely will back off and stop being so "aggressive" if you wish. Again, my intent is always to help, even if I come across in a way that ruffles feathers...
All I can say is I hope OT doesn't wander in here...lol.
Seriously, I think you are doing the right thing by reading and trying to formulate a plan.
Thanks for that. I get where he's coming from but I agree that I don't think I am very aggressive at all with most people. As you know, I went to and left many message boards before coming here BECAUSE too many people seemed mean spirited and just out to spout off at the mouth. I would hate to be that on THIS board, where I truly believe everyone is here to help each other. Maybe I have been aggressive with him. I suppose, now re-reading my posts to him, that I took a tone that was somewhat confrontational but I think that was because, as I said, I identified somewhat with him AND I thought it may take that to get through to him since he seemed pretty sure of certain things.
Again, thanks for the support, and to NoLuv, I apologize again for how I may have come across but still stand by what I said. I sincerely wish you luck.
I do not think you were being mean-spirited and perhaps assertive and aggressive were not the correct words to have used.
You're right, I do need to see the light, I do need to come to terms with myself, my shortcomings and the truths about my behaviors and mannerisms that have hurt my wife and damaged our marriage.
The truth stings, quite a bit; to realize that I am not the man that I thought I was, to learn that I have caused such pain in the one person that I Love the most, is not an easy thing to come to terms with. I am ashamed of the person I've allowed myself to become.
I have a lot of learning to do, a lot of growing still, a lot of patience to acquire and exercise. Summarily, control is probably my biggest problem, and being out of control right now is the result of my relentless pursuit of gaining it.
I have a lot to consider, think about and mull over, I'll post some of my understanding and further realizations as they become more clear to me. Thanks again for your interest and help.
I do not think you were being mean-spirited and perhaps assertive and aggressive were not the correct words to have used.
No problem.
Quote: P.S. What does "OT" stand for?
Oldtimer...and if you're lucky, you may find out what she stands for...lol.
No, she's just one of the better posters around here, known mainly for shooting VERY straight and telling it like it is ALL THE TIME. Her advice is usually a bit edgy but is almost always spot on. I credit her with a lot of my progress, especially in the more recent stages of my sitch. That said, she's not for the feint of heart...
So here's a question for which I can't find an answer for, inside me or in the DR book.
My W just came home, she's simply sad, I wanted to console her, offer her someone to talk to. I asked what about, she replied, "I'm just sad. So I'm going to X's tonight, I just want to be with my bestfrind." (Her bestfriend is a GF.)
I told her I was sorry that she was sad, and if she'd like to talk about it that she knew where I was.
Was this the appropriate way to handle this situation as per DB principles?
You did fine. You made the offer, then backed off. The thing you want to avoid is to come off pushy or that you NEED to hear what she has to say, i.e. you want to R talk.
I am also glad you didn't say "but honey, I AM your best friend" or something like that.
Last thing I wonder is if your sitch makes it awkward for you to give her a simple hug at a time like that without you OR her reading into it? If so, maybe you do that next time too. Sometimes that speaks volumes.
Thanks GH; truth be told I sat down next to her on the floor (next tot the bed), asked her what she was sad about, specifically, if she wanted to talk about it. She explained that there was nothing to talk about, she was just sad and wanted to be with her best friend right now.
Then I told her if she wanted to talk about it that I was here for her, that she knew where I was. It's so hard to see her hurting, to know I caused it, and to see her drive away, oh
What's your source of strength during these times GH; it takes everything I have inside me to get through it, to not take in my arms and tell her "it'll be OK, hon', I'm here for you. I Love you and I'll do whatever you want to make you feel better."
God, I can't believe I let things get this far, that I hurt so much the one person, the one woman that matters the most.
She's not like most women I've met; she's so resilient, so strong, she can handle things as I've never seen before. I'm amazed she's still here, I don't understand why she hasn't already filed given the way she feels/is feeling. I suspect that it's the children.
(But that is just another source of stress, besides our youngest, i.e., we just got full custody of our older kiddles, from my previous marriage, you dig, much court stuff recently, she certainly knows about the Fam. Law process, she's been my skilled paralegal throughout all of it).
I'm going to put them to bed and have a few beer, maybe read the Langs. of Love book (it's difficult because I can't really implement any of the information I learn in this book, not really the way I want to).
