Ok, so to summarize, you freaked because she ignored you after the birth of a child, said you didn't love her which sparked years of "living as roommates". Somewhere during this, she started to feel, and no wonder, that SHE didn't love YOU anymore, all the while, you decided that YOU did love her again. Is that about right?
So, now, you are "going through the motions" yet nothing much is happening.
Ok, so my comments are this...
First of all, you had issues in your marriage long before you essentially became a WAH to your W. That just compounded things and sparked the idea in your W that things needed to change, namely, her deciding that things were not working anymore, hence the roommate situation.
I would suggest that you stop going to counselors that tell you there is no hope. One way to avoid this is to talk to them BEFORE your first session and ask them their opinion on these things. I told my C that under NO circumstances did I want to hear "you need to get a divorce" from her and she agreed to that. I told her that divorce was NOT an option for me at the time. Of course, it WAS but not one I wanted to explore with my C. I wanted her help in my work with ME and really didn't need her to tell me my sitch was hopeless, etc.
Second, judging from the reaction your W is having, you are still being domineering, as you suggest you have been in your M. You may not see it as that, but SHE does. Why is that? A LOT of what we do and say can come off differently than we intend and I suspect that you continuing to "fix" the marriage that you effectively killed years ago is wearing thin to her.
Are you truly giving her space to figure this out? Have you GAL'd and tried to improve your life outside the marriage?
One thing of note from your previous thread, you actually seemed to take credit for this:
Quote: I have indeed stopped the chase, I'm 3 days of being "good" now; although last night I couldn't help but cuddle her in bed, again, she tolerated it. (It made me feel better being close to her, I hope it didn't upset her.)
Guy, 3 days? You have been "roommates" and acting as something other than a friend/lover for years and you think 3 days worth of ANYTHING will show up on her radar? Think again. You need to do this for months, maybe years for it to REALLY sink in, starting TODAY.
I will follow you closely because I sense you have a ton of control issues that will probably come out as you post more (don't worry, post and have no fear, I was like that too, I hope I can help), and some of that I get simply from your plea/demand that people post to you. Please, don't take offense, but it seems like the people who do that most are the ones not used to having what they say ignored and get angry when it is instead of altering their delivery or looking within to address why they are not being heard.
Some specifics...
Quote: I just can’t believe after all that we were to each other, what we had and built together, is gone and completely unsalvageable. Marriage is for life, very difficult at times, but in fact worth the fight. It’s not simply a rite of passage that everyone has to go through at least once before finally “getting it right.”
You have to be kidding, right? I hope you haven't said this to her. This, coming from a man who for YEARS (or at least a long time) was saying that he didn't love his wife and wanted a D...be smarter than this. YOU may think you've discovered the holy grail in this thought, but it's not, it's something that justifies your feelings at the moment. It was not your truth back then, and it's surely not hers now. To think otherwise is hypocrisy.
Quote:
The distance, her coldness towards me, nothing but negative memories of our M & R, the edge-of-the-mattress clinging, the willingness to give up our family (we have young children involved), the constant running off for the evenings alone, now nights, etc., etc., etc.
Know all about this. Unfortunately, you need to TRULY back off and give her the space to do what she needs to do. She needs to feel like you are NOT clinging to her and watching her every move. Read DB/DR VERY carefully and then DO IT.
Quote: I'm trying to determine whether, if an A is the case, how the knowledge would help the situ, how might it motivate or reduce me, how would my W take the fact that I know?
In a perfect DB world, it would have NO effect on you what-so-ever so take that for what it's worth. You have SO much wrong in your marriage that an A would truly just be one more thing, in my mind, given all that she's been through, a drop in the bucket.
Please, I am NOT trying to make you feel bad, just to see what you may be missing in all this. I think there truly IS hope for you but so far, you have been trying to "fix" your marriage the same way you helped break it, by controlling things you can't control and refusing to let her be heard, happy and ALONE if she so chooses. You can do wonders in this sitch, but you have to really want to do things that to this point seem totally foreign to you.
