Hi David, Lost Hope and DID, I am not in the same boat as you folks. I get an occassional email from h, haven't seen him in months. H wants the d and we are moving towards that, really at my pace, although he is trying to speed it up.
I do want my h back just to try one more time. It is easy for me to say because I am not facing the realities that you folks are. There are times that I envision that h will come back and envision probably in the same manner that you folks do - the bad stuff is gone and we will be much more loving.
If h did come back, we most likely would go through the same stuff as you are. I guess my advice to you would be, find that spot that made you the stronger person to get through this journey. The spot that let you take it one day at a time. The spot where the anger and sadness was gone. Remember too that both of you were hurt by the separation. It is not just a one-sided story. Our s have their fears and maybe they are afraid that if they let themselves be vulnerable again, they will get hurt once more. Yes, the same things that we too feel. In most of our separations, it was not just one person who got us to this point. It was both parties. And even if there was an ow/om, which I am by no means condoning, it was how our s got to through this. Just as we accept things at our pace and in the steps that we took, our s accept things at their pace. My h has an ow, and the betrayal hurts but probably because if we are to grow and learn from our experiences, it is my jealousy that someone else is helping him through this. For those that come back and their was an ow/om, let it go. By dwelling on that fact, it doesn't help the relationship. And yes the trust has been broken and there is hurt. I'm not saying don't be turn your heads to the indicators if they are still with the other person, but if they are not, don't let the ghosts of the past haunt your present and future.
Just because we aren't getting the hugs and kisses does not mean that they do not want to be with us or love us. Maybe they too are a little scared.
And yes, this is easy for me to say because I am not in your spot. I don't have the opportunity to make up for all the silly things that I did in my marriage to my s. I guess I am saying, don't go back to the spot where you were grieving and sad. Move forward and what ever you have to do to take it one day at a time, figure that out. You did before.
I wish you all the best in your marriage and I hope that God will help you through this difficult time. Remember that our attitudes can either help us or hurt us through this journey.
Keep the faith, Kath
[This message has been edited by Pixie6 (edited 02-11-2001).]
