Wow! It seems like so long since I've visited this site. I haven't been here for a few months but had to give an update. But I don't know if anyone who I talked to in the past is still around. But I still see Rondo out there. But I really wanted to share my good fortune with everyone to show that good things are possible if you are patient and refuse to give up. Of course, both partners need to want to make it work in the long run.
To recap, after 13 yrs of a wonderful marraige, my wife decided that she was unhappy in our marraige and began doing the bar/club scene. She was a WAW, and told me "I'm not in love with you anymore" in April 99 and the next year together was Hell. of course, I begged, pleaded, withdrew, became depressed, etc. We both went to counseling, together and seperately with no positive results. I finally moved out 4/00 since it was clear what we were doing up to that point was not working. While we were separated, we'd date occasionally but things never seemed to click. She continued to think that we weren't meant for each other any more. So, up until Dec, I resigned myself to the fact that divorce was inevitable. We both were dating others and it looked grim. But I really worked on myself and felt really good about my future. I was ready for anything and felt stronger than I had in a very long time.
To make a long story short, my wife called me just before Christmas. I had been preparing myself to go through with the divorce and we hadn't been talking much except things re: the kids. We talked for a while and I told her about some of the things I had been up to and, of course, we talked about us. But I kept things pretty neutral and kept referring to our divorce. The following Sunday, I dropped off the kids at the house ... didn't go in the house, I hadn't done so in a while. The next day she sent me an email saying that she wished I came in because she wanted to invite me over for dinner (Hello!! You could have called and invited me!) She also said that she was thinking about me lately and wanted to get together to talk. I told her that I was busy for the next few days (I really was) and wouldn't be able to get together with her until the end of the week. So she took me out to dinner the following Friday night (a very nice, expensive restaurant- you know, the kind where there is like 2 waiters to each table...they practically cut up your food for you!) She said again that she had been thinking about me a lot, that I sounded so strong and well when we last spoke and could see that I was moving on without her. She said that she was feeling that if we divorced, she would both be ok, but she would probably regret it somewhere down the road. I said maybe and just mostly listened and bluntly asked her "So, what are you saying? Why am I here?" She said she wanted to know if I would consider coming home. After I picked myself off the floor, I told her that I could not answer her that night, that I had a lot of things to think about.
But the following week, I started spending more time at the house. It was Christmas week and I really wanted to be home with her and the kids so I guess it helped make my decision. I've been back for just over a month and let me tell you it has been very weird and awkward. At first I felt like a visitor in my own home. They all had there routine and I felt out of place. But things have gotten better.
This past week was a really good week for us and I met her for lunch on Friday at which time we both said how great a week it was. Things seem to be going well but I know we still have a long way to go. I would love to be more romantic with her, tell her I love her, touch more, but I'm trying to go at her pace. She still isn't wearing her rings and that bothers me since I am looking for some sort of committment on her part once and for all. But I guess I still need to be patient. After all, we are so much better than we were just 7 weeks ago, so I guess I still need to take baby steps. It's great to go home to her and the kids every night!
But sometimes I have my doubts. Sometimes I really don't know what is going to happen. Part of me wants to be home. But another part of me doubts if we can ever be as happy as we once were. After living on my own for 9 months, I started liking living alone, meeting new people, and basically moving on. I know that things will never be the same (a good thing) but I really don't want a roommate. She hasn't gone out at all but we both agreed that if she wants to go out dancing with her friends occasionally that's ok. I've got to trust her other wise she'll resent not being able to go out with her friends and we'll be right back where we were. I'm still having a problem trusting her. If she betrays my trust, then I'll know I was wrong and I'll be out the door in second. I'm being very cautious, hopefully not too cautious that I'm not able to open up to her and work things out. But overall, things are ok at this point. I don't have high expectations but I am trying to remain positive and upbeat. One day at a time...
So, I guess I did make this rather long. I'm trying to be upbeat and optimistic but some days its hard. But I hope all of you can get something out of this. I just want to thank everyone who supported me on this site over the past year and a half. I especially want to thank you, Michelle, for all of the work you've done with us and providing us with a e-support group. take care everyone.
