You have to want to make the book work. You have to want to become a better person ESPECIALLY now. You have to want it all, and be willing to do what it takes to get it. Basically you have to WANT to be better in general and if you do want to be, DR/DB can help you.
Quote: He was never like this and I guess this is why its all a big shock to me. I seen no signs of it coming. He has not changed anything but the way he reacts to me.
Well, a lot more than that has changed but you are only seeing that which happens in front of you, much of which he is probably "acting" his way through for whatever reason, whether that's to save you additional pain, or to try to keep you hanging in case he decides to return. Whatever the case, the aliens have got him and no, he is NOT the man you knew...at least right now.
Quote: now that he is sleeping downstairs and not with me, should I still continue to wake him up for work and still bring him his coffee like I use to do when we slept together? I don't know how to approach this one. And should I still do his laundry as well, I ask because I feel like we are just roommates at the moment. I don't want to stop something that I have been doing for years if it will hurt my marriage anymore than its hurting right now.
First of all, I can't tell you what to do outright. What you need to do is use this situation to begin to understand that YOU are going to need to start figuring out what YOU want and stop basing everything you do on what HE may want. I know that feels counterproductive but your goal in DB is to turn your focus onto you and away from the A/him. You can choose to continue to do these things, or not, but whatever YOU do, make sure it's because YOU want to do them, not because you feel obligated to. You are no longer obligated (nor were you ever BTW) to do these things. It's up to you where you set your boundaries in your R as it stands. Again, it's all about you finding out what you want in all this, and NOT just in terms of working things out with him.
Quote: I have not said anything to him about it in fear of making him angry. See every move I make I think twice about it, I feel like I am walking on egg shells especially in my own home and let me tell you, its very uncomfortable.
As OT (another poster) often says, stop managing HIS emotions. So what if he gets mad. That's not your problem. You are only looking out for you, something he CLEARLY has no problem doing right now. You don't want to be unkind or unloving, just make sure that if you have a boundary, such as no taking calls from OW in the house, that you tell him in a even way and then stick to it. If this is not a boundary for you, then you have to find a way to get over it, i.e. detach from it.
Quote: If I don't talk then nothing gets said. This feels like a punishment to me, why? I haven't done anything wrong, I am the faithful one. I want to say so much to him, but I don't.
Ok, here's the thing. This is not about you, and that's one of the things that hurts the most I suspect. It SHOULD be about you because you are his W but it's just not. The A is not about you, the smoking/drinking is not about you, the late night phone calls are not about you, and neither is the silent treatment. None of it is about you, and thus, none of it is a punishment.
You need to understand that and begin to adjust your OWN thinking to reflect where things stand.
