Hi I am new here and would really like some advise. See I have been married for 26 years and out of the blue my H wants out of the marriage. He has been fooling around with a married woman and says that he is Not in love with me anymore and that he loves this other woman and that is where his heart is at. He does not like his job (which is how he met her) he doesn't care about giving everything up that we built our world around. He says he wants to be with this other woman. I love my husband so very much and I can not bare to lose him. Its been a very stressful time. See we also lost our son almost 2 years ago in a car accident. We have had lots of stress in our lives! He said that I will always be in his heart and that he will always help me out. We have so much in our marriage I can't imagining throwing it all away, for what? another relationship, its not always greener on the other side and I know that there is nothing I can do to change his mind and that I have to stay strong through all of this. But its hard, I am still trying to get over the loss of my son and now I have to deal with the loss of my marriage which to me is very devastating! He has been seeing this OMW since Oct 05 and they really only see each other once a month when my H has to travel there. I know they do talk on the phone everyday. Can someone please give me some advise??
First, sorry for the loss of your son. I know that can be devatating on a family.
As for the state of your marriage, that sucks too. Your case is pretty textbook if that makes you feel any better. You are NOT alone, we have all been through something similar.
Have you read DB or DR? If not, do so immediatly.
In the meantime, make sure all begging and R talk stop cold. No more talking to him about this.
I will post more later but for now, you have some reading to do if you have not already.
what is DB and DR? Is it on this site? I am not begging, I did do that once when he first told me, and then I felt like a jerk the following day. He is still nice to me, but distant. Last night he slept downstairs and not in our bed. I did hear him call her after he thought I was asleep, and I guess he told her of our conversation we had. He was drunk, because after we spoke he starting drinking heavily. Today he seems in a good mood and a part of me is thinking this mood is either over guilt or he is relax for letting it all out. I love him so very very much, and to lose him would be like another death ahead of me. I do not have any other family other than my oldest son of 26 years old. It has been always me and my husband. Everyone knows us as always being together, and everyone would say how much in love we were. I can't understand how he can say that he is not in love with me anymore and hasn't been for some time, that is just to hard to believe. Yes, we have had our share of ups and downs no marriage is perfect. Now that he has this OMW he is in a complete other world. It hurts so bad!! And I can't stress it enough as to it wasn't bad enough to lose my son, now to lose my husband. My whole world feels like it is crumbling down on me and I am trying to stand tall, but it does get rough. I will wait for your reply back and I do appreciate any advice another can gve me! I am so lost!
Sorry, they are the two main books by the author that founded this site. They are Divorce Busting (DB) and Divorce Remedy (DR). They contain most of the ideas we try to follow around here, and that we beleive will, or in my case, have helped us rebuild our marriage. You can get either at most bookstores or check them out from your library.
The main ideas the books talk about are; focusing on yourself, not the affair, not believing what the WAS (walk away spouse) says, which, BTW, is what your H (husband) is.
Anyway, here is a link to the part of the board that has a chapter from DR for you to read. It pretty outlines what the book is about. Also, you really only need to read DR as both DB and DR are the same.
I'll repeat something, just to make sure it came through:
You MUST do as GH says and stop all begging, crying, pleading and unpleasant behavior NOW.
Then get the Divorce Remedy book, hide it, and read, read, read.
Then come back here for support. It is not what seems natural, but do it anyway.....the interactions and conversations you have now are more important than the ones that come later - these are the ones that decisions will be based on.
Ok, I don't really like to do this, and I hope Persevere is ok with me doing in, but I think reading this is essential for you right now. This is one of the best "cliffs notes" versions of DB/DR I have ever seen.
Quote: Here is my advice that I compiled after my wife and I got back together. All of it is based on studying the vast amounts of knowledge, wisdom and heartache on this board and reading Michelles book over, and over, and over...I suggest you follow the same general approach.
2. Give her space and don’t pressure: This is numero uno. If you cannot do this, you WILL surely end your marriage or at minimum prolong emotional and physical distance between you and your spouse indefinitely. Don’t believe me? Then keep doing it and see what happens. I know it is hard, and yes, it was unbelievably frustrating for me. At first I did not succeed, and it really pissed her off. To you such behavior may seem as if you are showing your commitment and love, but to her, you are being selfish and disrespectful. My wife told me recently that one of the most important things I did during our separation was to back off and let her think. She needed to MISS ME. Last Christmas she went home to her parents (who by the way despise me and still do) and I drove across the country to see my family. I did not call or email for two weeks. Guess who started to call and email me saying she missed me within a week or so? SO, this means stop calling, stop emailing, stop text messaging, stop asking for dates/time together etc. etc. If you want her back, LEAVE HER ALONE. Pressure speaks volumes about desperation and weakness – something women find incredibly unattractive. Women want someone who is strong, silent and dependable. Begging, pleading, crying, manipulating and trying to convince her to change her mind will only make you repulsive and WILL push her out the door faster than anything else! You have to be strong and cool. This does not mean you should ignore her completely. But in general, let her contact you, and if she won’t, DON’T pick up the phone or email. Let her know occasionally that you are her friend and you are there for her or your kids (if you have any) if they/she need anything. And I mean, a one or two sentence email or voicemail, and don’t tell her you love her and miss her, and don’t use this as an excuse to get her on the phone and start blabbering about how much you love her, want a second chance, will change, want to make it work…blah blah blah, because all that she hears is exactly that - “blah, blah, blah, whine, whine, whine moan, moan, moan.” She hears a pathetic, frightened man (which we all are when we going through this) but don’t let her see it. Who wants to live with and depend upon someone like this? I wouldn’t. So, for God’s sake people, IF YOU WANT HER BACK LEAVE HER ALONE. She is driving this train, and you have to accept that. Patience is your indispensable ally. Cloying attempts at affection and desperation are your enemies. There is nothing you can say or do to change her mind. If she does change her mind, it will be on her terms and her schedule – period. No pressure also means NO ULTIMATIUMS such as “you have one month to make a decision, or I am going to file for divorce.” This is a very bad idea. You will likely get it. Keep your mouth shut and back off.
3. When you are together ALWAYS AGREE, keep your mouth shut and LISTEN intently to every word she says: When you do get chance to talk to her or spend time with her – and you will – ALWAYS try your hardest to be upbeat, positive, friendly, considerate and DON’T get angry or talk about your feelings and what YOU WANT. Stay positive and don’t bring up the relationship unless she does, and when she does, keep your trap shut and listen to everything she says. Want to stay out of trouble? Listen. Want to get back in the house? Listen. Want to have a long loving relationship? Listen. My God, listen till the blood drips from your ears; listen till you want to scream out a solution; listen until she has nothing left to say and when she’s done, shut up and listen some more. Women are the caregivers and if you want her to give, you’d better do some caring. Not only should you listen, but when you do speak, always AGREE. Validate what she says, and don’t argue. For example, “you were a complete jerk, you hurt me, you never spent time with our family, you’re selfish, you have two heads, the moon is made of chocolate etc etc…” I don’t care what she says, just say…”You’re right…I was a jerk, I am sorry and I screwed up…and your right the moon is made of chocolate and I have two heads. If you want me to leave, I understand, your right, maybe it would never work, but I do love you and I’ll always be here for you and the kids if you need anything.” It works people. When she starts talking about your failures and why the marriage was so horrible, much of which is probably true, she is waiting for you to react in anger, hurt, frustration, and let you say horrible things to her, blame her for everything and storm out of the house because this is the type of behavior that validates her thoughts, expectations and rationalizations for walking away. Such behavior will make her feel better. When you DON’T act like this, it will throw her for a loop and she will be completely bewildered. Try it. But you have to be consistent. As aside, this doesn’t mean you should be a doormat. This simply means listening and validating her feelings, thoughts and emotions regarding you, her and the marriage. It does not mean that you have to accept ridiculous requests regarding things such as financial or property issues. If these come up, respectfully and calmly disagree. In fact, you can use them to buy time. For example, you might say: “that is not acceptable to me at this point, and it is something we can negotiate or work out in a few weeks, but I am sure we can find an amiable middle ground. I don’t want you and the kids to be a bad position. Remember I am your best friend regardless of what happens.”
4. Change (do the 180s) and don’t tell her you have or are changing: Now this one is actually as important as the first one because if don’t make some changes, then you will be back in the same boat soon enough. Also, the changes will make you happier. In my case, I had to do some serious soul searching and self analyzing that included counseling and joining a support group for sexual addiction (i.e., online pornography). Both have helped me immensely. Now…you cannot tell your wife that you are or have changed. Words don’t mean sh** especially to our estranged spouses. Actions speak louder than words, and make sure the changes and self realizations are genuine. She will be watching even if you don’t realize it; and your behavior will be scrutinized very closely. She is examining everything under a microscope under high magnification, and please don’t try and B.S. or manipulate her. Women hate it when they perceive that they are being manipulated in a relationship. She will see right through it like panes of glass…trust me on this one. In some cases, they will get really pissed when you start making changes and start cater wallowing about why you didn’t do these things before you separated and cause everyone so much pain…etc. etc. “why did it take this for you to realize you needed some help.” Let them say it….respond with something like “men are insulated and sometimes it takes something really devastating before we realize our shortcomings” and this is true of course.
5. “Get a life” (GAL) or at least act like you are getting a life and doing “just fine:” Go to the gym, go hiking, take trips, go for a walk, take classes. You get the idea. They are not going to want to come back to you until they can see that you are strong enough to survive without them, and anyway, doing things might make you feel better. In my case, only the trips really helped and in general I felt pretty crappy regardless of what I was doing. BUT, don’t let them know this. Don’t show it. Fake it if you have to. If you are doing fun and interesting things, they will wonder about it, and probably wish they were doing them with you. However, as is the case with your 180s, it may piss them off. I remember my wife saying something like “oh, now you are having fun and doing all these wonderful and positive things that you would never do with me...guess my love wasn’t enough.” Let them say it, shut up and keep doing what you are doing because it is getting their attention. If anything, say something like “you would love for them to join you but are not going to push because you are respecting their need for space and time.” What about “going dark?” You have to be careful with this one because it can backfire depending upon your situation. In mine, it was delicate because one of her complaints was that I was too distant in our marriage. So I had to be careful here, but it does help somewhat. However, when she called or emailed during dark periods, I was always there to answer the phone or respond to the email ASAP.
I take NO credit for this...I only copied and pasted!
This was great reading. I have been to different websites trying to read on issues like "cheating spouses" but some was upsetting to read and some wasn't what I am going through. I will not beg and plead, and I will take some of this advice, but I don't know if its to late? Like I said he has already confussed to me that he is in love with this OMW (other married woman) and that is where his heart is at. That statement just killed me! It also hurt that he slept downstairs last night, even thou he will not ML to me, its still nice to know he is lying next to me. Now do most men do this when they have OW? like they refuse to ML to their wives anymore? Our sex life was wonderful before all this happened. It was like one minute we were lovers and then all of a sudden out of the blue he wanted out of our marriage. He said he did not want to be here anymore, that he wanted something new in his life. That he hates his job, etc..I first thought well maybe he is going through a MLC? He is 45, and the funny thing about the OMW, she is 45 as well. But again, thank you for your advice and I will look into the book you mentioned.
My heart goes out to you. The one piece of advice I can give to you is to be patient. I know it is the exact opposite thing you want to do however like everyone else says pursuing your spouse could push him away even further. Make sure you take care of yourself as well.
It isn't hopeless. My H wanted to marry OW. Spend the rest of his life with her. Wanted a D yesterday. This coming from a man that swore for years that our sex life was phenomenal... told his friends that he would really miss it when he told them we were separating. He told me that he never really loved me, blah, blah, blah...
My point being, you know the truth, and at some point "rea;" will set into their relationship and he will know the truth as well.
My H now says that he felt addicted to her, and when that wore off she wasn't anyone he would want to raise our kids around, much less spend the rest of his life with. Then he realized our problems weren't insurmountable and that he wanted to grow old with me.
Don't buy it. He is telling himself what he needs in order to justify his actions. He will likely act out angrily toward you, trying to make you the bad guy. Just remember that he is temporarily insane.
Detach, GAL, and act as if until you actually find your way out of the pitty pit of despair.
