I spent a lot of time on these boards for a while but never came on a day to day basis. So I suppose people here don't know me that well. I don't post here very often now although I still come to read and keep in touch. But really when I originally posted, it was quite literally to vent. It was a mistake because I just wanted to blow off all the inappropriate steam rather than have the whole post analyzed. It is impossible to be a DB goody two shoes the whole time.
Having vented here, I went back to being the patience, kind, considerate person that I usually am most of the time anyway. People say to me, he is who he is, stop trying to change him. Trouble is, I'm not. He's a remorseful, apologetic, upset at his behaviour, wants everything to be right and good and wants to change, promises to do things.........and never follows through. This is the cycle that has repeated itself over and over again. And I know I have no part to play in that. I leave him alone, trust that he is going to to the work, and get on with being kind and considerate and his friend and wife in the best way. Until history repeats itself.
Well it did and this time it wasn't with me, it was with our 13 year old D. I left him to it, I kept out, kept my mouth shut and didn't interfere. At the end of the day, I still had to go and console her and calm down her hysterical behaviour. I then asked him what he was doing. He said he was trying to sort it out with her. I said, did you? He said,no... but you don't know what she said and you don't know what I said. I told him I didn't want or need to hear any of that, the only thing that mattered was the end result. He got frustrated and told me I just wouldn't listen. Next day he went to work and came home again trying to make me listen to what he said, she said. I told him to go and read his e-mail
I had basically told him that I couldn't go on living like this. I had waited a year to see and feel changes that would make a difference and things were still happening the same way. I gave him 24 hours to come to me with something solid, that would not only make a difference to me but that would make a difference to him. If he couldn't find the honesty, sincerity and commitment to search his soul for the things he needed to say to me, then I was calling a halt.
He came and bared his soul with self awareness and self responsibility so I have given him yet another chance. He's away for his 4 weeks working away and I am now getting letters saying "you have made me see what I have been missing" "I am taking time every night before I go to sleep, looking at my behaviour, figuring out how I could have done things differently". I am not just hearing words, I am feeling his care and concern. He is speaking to me personally instead of discussing situations, he is supporting me and proud of me and I can feel it.
I think he has turned that corner at last.
As for coping with grief, I will try and get hold of that book. Although like everything else, I think the only person who can get you through is yourself. I do get on with life and know that it's OK to laugh and have fun and that nothing can change what has happened. It's like that well of pain is somehow separate to everything else. It also has a life of it's own and wells up, usually lying in bed at night or when triggered by things, sometimes totally unrelated. Sometimes for absolutely no reason at all. I keep being told that tears are healing. But they make you look a mess, embarrass you all over the place and so many times appear when, darn it, you forgot to put tissues in your bag. Aside from that it makes other people feel awkward. That makes it sound like I'm a fountain all the time, but I'm not. For the most part, I manage to put those feelings in a box and let them out when it is comfortable for me to do so.
So all in all, I think I can say, that things are getting a little better around here. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that they continue. I hope they do for you as well.
