Joanne, I know only too well about the blame game. I have been at this for two years, hard and fast, and have heard all the speeches, all the things that are wrong with our marriage (all the while being careful to say he's not "blaming" me, but if he were with someone different he'd be much happier). I have heard the I don't love you anymore, the I don't know if I'm staying or leaving, I've been the responsible one, not leaving because I'm doing the right thing. I've worked very hard on making changes in myself, though I suspect the changes I've made have not been quite on the mark. Despite all this, he has now announced he IS leaving, but still trying to do it nicely, so his reputation doesn't get tarnished. There was a major EA for about three years, but now I suspect there's a potential PA in the wings with someone different. He has been looking actively for the past two years for a soulmate to replace the one he had with his EA.
Now, despite periodic protestations that he loves me and appreciates the fact that I waited, was patient and so on, he says he must move on, and that we have nothing going for us (he forgets the two kids and 15 years). He tells me he feels tenderly towards me, loves me even, but that is all and he needs more. Isn't that what people in amrriages aim for? A tender feeling after so many years, knowing the other cares for your well-being? I have no choice but to let him go, of course, and let him find his bliss. That's what I mean by trying to encourage and foster the tender feeligns your h has for you. Don't dicount them -- he wants to be there, that's a terrific start. I'd give my eye teeth to have my h say he wants to be here, and wants to preserve what we have. We have problems, for sure, and many of them attributable to me, but when I look at other marriages, we have precious little to complain about. By his own admission, we negotiate well, we have many of the same values, we have a great sex life, but we he keeps claiming we don't communicate, probably on the level he wishes to. For me, I find it difficult to communicat with him, and reveal myself, because I know he doesn't want me. If there were a turnaround and he wanted to preserve the marriage I could open up more. He has amnesia about the times we have talked for hours, about his work, mine, analysing his past and mine, and so on. The bottom line is the will to be here is non-existent. At least you have a place to start, because his will is there. He WANTS to do it. He maybe needs a little encouragement in the right areas. If you could create an atmosphere of openness and total acceptance, I would bet that he would open even more. I know this last year was particularly hard for both of you, with the death of your daughter, and my heart goes out to you. Everyone grieves in different ways, a friend told me once.
