Joanne, I know you desperately want things to be wonderful in order to erase all the misery you put with from your h for years, not to mention the affair(s), and all the rest. (I only sketchily remember your details, so sorry if I get it incorrect.) But your h is himself. You can change habits, but not personalities. It's possible he is a complainer, or negative. It's also possible he is really afraid to open himself to you. I know it is so hard to see yourself from inside your own skin (I have a really hard time with this myself), but from where I stand, it sounds like he wants to compliment you, but he also doesn't want to make himself too vulnerable to you either, so he adds that he didn't like your hair before. It's also possible that he is just explaining his position -- some people just talk too much because they don't know what else to say. Maybe he felt there weren't enough words when he said he liked your haircut.
As for the kisses, cuddles, and ILUs, there's lots of us on the board who'd kill to be there. Don't give up, Joanne. I sense you're a bit like me. You;'ve been so hurt in the past, you're really afraid to make yourself vulnerable in case he slamdunks you again (to use GG's words). You really have to make yourself vulnerable and open. Remember what Michele says about focusing on the positives, and complimenting them for positives -- ie I'm glad you like my new hairdo. And forget that he said the rest. Ignore it. Eventually, he may just feel comfortable saying what he likes, and not have to followup with what he didn't like. I have been in negative mode myself for the past few months, because I haven't seen much change in my h, but if I look back and am really honest with myself, there have been changes. I remember he used to love buying me clothes, but that hadn't happened for a veyr long time. This Christmas he said he wanted to take me out to buy clothes (I just thought it was laziness on his part, so I said no, I didn't need anything.) He bought me a lovely sweater, but I didn't give it much thought until yesterday. It really was my h's way of saying he cares. He seems unable to say he's sorry and he'll change, because he's said it so many times, he thinks I'll probably throw it back in his face. (Now it's also possible, he's just poking his head out of the tunnel only to retreat again, but I need to focus on positives. So do you.)
You also said you are sick of doing all the work. Right. So Stop! Do Nothing! I, too, got sick of reading all the relationship books, seeing where I was responsible for problems, seeing where h was responsible for problems, but it was happening in a void. He wasn't doing anything. He knew I was reading the books, knew I was making changes, but I was also doing all the fretting, all the changing, all the work. I'm too tired, and worn out to do it anymore, so I've let it go. I don't really care anymore. If the marriage fails, so be it. I've done what I could. And, it's possible that my h is going to feel the relief that I've stopped working on HIM! Give yourself a break -- you've been through the mill, and you're still holding up the fort. Leave it for awhile, and do just for you. Let h muddle along. You can figure out something different -- for one thing don't call him on his responses. He's going to get so nervous about what you're calling him on, that he won't be able to respond at all, and when he does he'll fill the silence with silly prattle, like I didn't like the way your hair was before. I think you are making him a bit nervous. I only say this because I think I've done the same thing to my h -- he's a bit afraid to say or do anything, because I'll call him on it. That doesn't mean you don't say what needs to be said on certain things, but like with your kids, pick and choose your battles, and remember the war.
The holidays may have you down, especially when you read about certain success stories, but all those success stories are still struggling with the warts and freckles of their spouses, that will always be there.
