something in your posting feels similar to what I am going through so far, and what I realized myself -- H is "afraid" of me, he said it many times before that I can "hit" unexpectedly. when he expects it the least. I could not understand what he had in mind, now I can recall many episodes from our life when he would say or do something, trusting my current behavior, and I would unpredictably change to the opposite and "punish" him for trusting me.
What you say here, about your hairstyle discussion, sound like one of those examples: "Example from last night. "I like your new hairdo, it is much softer and you look younger." Followed straight on with "I didn't like the way it was before, it made you look just like your mother." Note, I have been growing my hair from very short and have had to put up with whatever I could do to it to make it presentable. I asked why he had had to say that and he said why couldn't I just focus on the nice thing he said about it. Am I just supposed to filter out everything apart from the nice things he says or the good things he does? Are they the only things that are supposed to affect me?"
Imagine that he hoped that he can talk to you as to a friend, who he can confess what's really on his mind, not to always wear a mask of politeness. You just proved he was wrong! Instead of trying to understand him, you overreacted.
Can this be the case why he is so cautious in moving closer to you? Maybe he just feels safer making you coffee than really getting into intimate conversations.
When I overeact and "punish" my H. for saying something I did not want to hear, I know it brings us months back, and I regret it deeply...
And yes, you are "supposed" to filter out what he says -- at least, if you want to move forward, not back -- to filter out and in what you need to react to and what you need to think about.
Allow for the posibility for yourself to misunderstand what he says, not only for him to say wrong things...
