Well, I haven't been around here for a while in spite of promising an update after doing the Fresh Start with Michele.
Frankly, there hasn't been much to report. I have followed the teachings of DB, I am a very different person and have tried "acting as if" and doing it 'differently' from every angle I can think of. I am happy in myself and at peace. However, I have run out of anything new to do.
My problem is this. I'm going to say the same thing that I have said many times regardless of being shot down about it. He doesn't move beyond superficial. He cannot or will not see that he must do more than buy me presents, make cups of coffee, enquire how I am, etc. etc. He thinks that doing those things should make everything right. That kind of attention is nice and I am appreciative but I need more than that from him.
I have been emotionally blank for the past couple of days and all he can think is that I must be ticked off and/or really angry. He rationalises this way - he hasn't done anything wrong so there is no reason for my behaviour. He is right and I am wrong. That's the way he thinks. I am not a product of the past 15 years (and I don't mean emotionally reactive because of the past)I am simply here and now, disconnected to anything that has gone on between us at any time and only related to his present behaviour. If he is smiling and happy, then I should be too, irrespective of how I actually and really feel.
I have treated him the way I would like him to treat me - that doesn't work because he doesn't see that I am giving him something different to what he is giving me.
I can recognise the fact that he cannot love me the way I would like to be loved because he does not love himself and he isn't a happy person. I have tried to help him discover why that is and what he could do about it. I have encouraged him to try and think about things differently because this relationship needs him to adopt a perspective of "being in my shoes". I've said 'how would you feel if I'd said/done that to you'but the only response I get is from his head not his heart.
And I keep hearing that he has changed and when I ask what, I get "I don't do.....any more" about a couple of things. When I ask what he is doing differently or instead of that, I get silence.
He hasn't changed except that he keeps his anger and outrage under control for a little longer. I have discussed with him what I need, I have discussed what our relationship needs. Yet I still get the same thing said to me "Can't we just get on with living". What he means is carry on like nothing has ever happened or been said between us. Not a clean slate, just leaving him alone to be as he is. That would be fine, but the only way that goes is into conflict. I keep my mouth shut, keep things pleasant until I am pushed too far and his behaviour is totally unacceptable. Then we get into a fight. The same circle of conflict that has gone on for years. Yes, I can avoid it, walk away and say nothing but I cannot live happily with it.
I suppose the bottom line is that if he won't make himself happy or do anything to make this relationship better, then the only option I have is to get out. I firmly believe there is a reason for his behaviour and the way he treats me, a reason for why he isn't happy but I can't fix that. He must choose for himself that he wants things differently and find the reasons for himself about why he should change his thinking and his behaviour.
Example from last night. "I like your new hairdo, it is much softer and you look younger." Followed straight on with "I didn't like the way it was before, it made you look just like your mother." Note, I have been growing my hair from very short and have had to put up with whatever I could do to it to make it presentable. I asked why he had had to say that and he said why couldn't I just focus on the nice thing he said about it. Am I just supposed to filter out everything apart from the nice things he says or the good things he does? Are they the only things that are supposed to affect me?
I'm feeling very fed up with the fact that all the work I've done has come to nothing and I know if I stop all the effort I am putting in that the relationship will fold. All the responsibility for everything working is put on me. I want more than just going through the motions, I want more than presents and smiles. I want him to work at making a connection, giving me back at least some of what I have been giving to him. And I don't know how to do that. I think the only way he will appreciate what he's got is when he doesn't have me and even then he will think that he's just fine the way he is, no changes required, kisses and cuddles and presents make everything just great.
That's my update for now but no doubt there will be words said later tonight. After all, I'm wrong and he will have plenty to say about that.
