From the group it sounds as if most make no distinction between "being in love" and infatuation, which makes sense to me and why I was so taken off guard by my colleague's ideas about this. My belief all along has been that the butterfly feelings go away and are replaced by respect and admiration. What should continue is outward "love actions"; positive affirmations of the love, respect and admiration between the two such as loving words and, of course, sex.
I guess that I have been feeling for many years that those oringinal "butterflies-in-the-stomach" feelings have not been replaced or evolved into the feelings and actions necessary to sustain a healthy R.
I am new to the message boards and really appreciate the honest responses.
BTW, I have been reading R/M book after R/M book for years looking for answers to how I got here and if there is a way to a better R. I describe my M as a mostly utilitarian one. What seems to matter most to my W is getting things done to get the day, or simply to co-exist and maintain a household. She doesn't seem to need more. Well, by God, I do and I am just too afraid to get our R off center.
Lilliperl's statement about both me and W being insecure struck a difficult chord with me because I consider myself to be very secure in who I am as a person and what my values are except when it comes to my W and M. We are such opposites. She is confrontational while I avoid it. This leads to no meaningful conversations about our R. Over time, I have become resentful of the W and M and need to overcome my fear of a confrontation with her.
The funny thing is that I am a good communicator in my work and am admired for my tact. Yet nothing that I can say to W that even suggests unhappiness about the R leads to her flying off the handle and manipulation of me with her anger.
She has cried over little things walked out of the house for little more. As recently as last week she cried most of the night because I rolled away from her in the bed. I believe that she took this as a hostile act on my part, when I was simply giving up on getting her aroused. She had rejected me for no apparent reason the previous 4 nights and for some reason that particular night had an interest in sex but never said anything and infact sent out no positive signals as I tried to initiate. There is never a verbal affirmation of her acceptance to my advances.
Well as you can tell, I have much to get off my chest and as I continue to post and reply to the message boards, I am sure more will surface.
