Hi Daisy and Patience. Daisy I will look for your posting in Midlife Crisis and see if I can offer you anything.
Patience, old friend, my marriage is on very solid ground. My H has done everything he can think of to show me that he is sorry for what happened and that none of it was my fault. It still bothers me some from time to time. When it is on my mind I will say something to him that refers to that chapter in our lives and he understands that I can not just forget it ever happened although that is what he would like to have happen.
Last week we talked about it for a few minutes and I told him I just still didn't understand how he could have thought that he wanted out and that his behavior was OK. He just said that he was very stupid at that time. I think perhaps sometimes he can't beleive it ever happened either.
We are going to be just fine. He now has a job in the same building that I work in and is really enjoying it. For the first time in our 31 years we are together almost 24/7 except for the time he is working in his department and I am five floors up working in mine. He loves his job and commuting to work together. We take our breaks together and lunches. Most evenings we stop on the way home to see our little grandson and give him some special attention. He is 14 months old now and my H loves his role as Grandpa.
I know my H is grateful that I followed the DB methods and saved our marriage. He has thanked me several times for not giving up on him when I had every reason in the world to never speak to him again. He believed that when I found out he would be in the street and maybe he would have except I found this site and found hope here. The things I read made so much sense to me. My whole attitude kept surprising him and keeping him off balance.
I am sure that one thing that helped is that my H knew I would never lie to him (or anyone else for that matter). It took several months to convince him that what we were going through was not so different than what lots of couples go through. I would tell him some of the things I was learning on these boards. He found out that it was true that as soon as his affair was known to both spouses it would begin to fizzle. I told him this and he looked at me and said "they sure got that right" and said no more. So it was slowly that things turned around.
He also has said he thinks that because we didn't go through the screaming and calling each other names that we were able to put it back together. We heard a few months ago that his Ho has found another man friend. I sure hope it is not another married one. She did go through with her divorce. My H says that maybe that is the one good thing that came out of this because it was a bad and abussive relationship.
Patience I hope things are looking up for you. One thing I learned the hard way is that I could be happy with or without him. Going through these horrors changes us. It teaches us that we can do things that we never thought we could and that we must all make ourselves happy. You can't depend on someone else to make you happy. I also learned that I deserve a much better husband than the one I used to have. By the time he decided to stay home I knew that in order for me to be happy he would have to change because I would no longer live with a husband who put his jobs or anything else ahead of his marriage. Funny thing happened as I grew stronger from the rollercoaster ride. Not only did I learn what my H needed in a good relationship but I learned what I needed too. I will no longer play second fiddle to anyone or anything and he understands that. We both learned that our relationship has to come first.
One thing that I would tell young couples is that when husband and wife work different shifts no matter the reason they are doing it the marriage will suffer. It is not worth it unless it is very short term.
Patience I am going to look around here tomorrow and see if I can find out what is happening in your life. You deserve the best and I know you will find it someday.
Well my H just invited me to watch Who Wants to be a Millionaire in bed with him and I am taking him up on the offer. Goodnight All.
