Inevitably, irrevocably, happy SSM? No such thing.

[Brian_M]

Ok, another night of no sex. We've been very "nice and pleasant" to each other. Barf
This is obviously really driving the dagger in deeper. I am so sorry.

I'll be dammed if I show him how I'm feeling.
Ack…I am really sorry to hear you say this too. You must feel so pent up and isolated not being able to actually express how you feel. I know this is much easier to talk about than live, but what do you think would happen if you just turned over a leaf of being completely honest and direct with your H about your feelings and desires? When was the last time you felt able to actually just be completely open and free?

Several people have said to maybe give him a little "nudge"
Instead of a nudge, what about setting up a date night? Maybe come straight out in the open and say, “Hey H. It seems that we have both been a little caught up and distracted lately so maybe it is time to set aside a little romantic time for us to reconnect? I was thinking maybe we should get a baby sitter, go to dinner on Friday, and then check into this really romantic hotel I read about?”

For instance, I told him flat out that I like him to hold me down, maybe pull my hair, he interprets that as a "rape" fantasy and thinks that's basically perverted. I think the quote was "I'm not going to rape my W!"
Hmm…I am afraid that I would have to side with your H a little bit here. Personally, I am all for light BDSM such as silk scarves, loosely tied down, no struggle hold down, and other things that imply restraint but do not really force it. Though, if there is any struggle involved that even resembles distress, then game over. Yes….and um, not a chance at hair pulling either. Personally, I don’t want to tie sex and violence. I am guessing that your H probably feels the same way. I am not so sure that your H is being unreasonable here. Plus Lusty, this topic is a bit more on the advanced side as it requires trust and a deep connection. It might be a good idea to sideline this goal until you get a bit farther along.

the more I tell him about who I really am as a sexual person, the more I intimidate him
I am really not sure what to say here other than this must be a tough place to be.

..am I supposed to supress who I am? I want to take more of the GEL approach and be who I really am but H is NOT open to that at all. I feel stuck.
No more suppressing! Yes, you definitely need to be true to yourself. There is no point in working out improvements with your H if the improvements don’t actually yield results that you would be happy with. I definitely agree with the wise GEL that you need to be true to yourself and let your real feelings be known. Your H will either learn to accept you as you are or come to the conclusion that he cannot. Either way, you will make progress.