Hi Brian
I doubt that he is holding back just to hurt you.
I agree with this. I think he really is just so fearful of our past problems resurfacing that once again, he simply avoids. He'd rather have "pleasant and no SL" than "risk a fight with SL". He avoids conflict at all costs, including the cost of sex. I hate that.
Considering your intense needs LFL, I am nearly certain that your body language broadcasts your desires clearer than a road side billboard.
I don't know about this one Brian. I think I can "cover" pretty well in front of H. Inside I may be going stir-crazy but when I sense any rejection from him, I'll be dammed if I show him how I'm feeling. Part of the problem maybe, buy this is part of the cycle.
The problem is that your H is not interpreting your needs as a positive. If he has self confidence and depression issues, the thought of sex crossing his mind probably actually makes him feel worse and act more timid. I guess what I am trying to say is that it is not realistic to expect him to be the initiator right now because his mental state does not seem to be conducive to that happening.
My H is not depressed at this time. But part of his ingrained personality is to be non-assertive, especially sexually.
He freaks out sometimes at my level of sexual "deviation"(?) Lol. For instance, I told him flat out that I like him to hold me down, maybe pull my hair, he interprets that as a "rape" fantasy and thinks that's basically perverted. I think the quote was "I'm not going to rape my W!" I tried to explain that it is hardly rape if I WANT that to happen, but it's not about my wants, it's about his comfort. That sexual act is about him showing a side of himself that I would find a big turn-on, him being aggressive, but that's so not him. Maybe that was too over the edge? Better start out smaller.
That is in no way a measure of how sexy and appealing you are to him. Thus, you really should try your best to lessen how much this hurts your feelings.

I know. But the more I tell him about who I really am as a sexual person, the more I intimidate him. I can see it in his body language and his outright language. That is hurtful to me. So am I supposed to supress who I am? I want to take more of the GEL approach and be who I really am but H is NOT open to that at all. I feel stuck.
The cycle that you are stuck in will only resolve itself when you H’s confidence goes up
Maybe but I doubt it. He is just a very rigid person. He can be confident and yet say flat out he is not doing a, b, c. He does that now. A less than confident person would probably try and humor me somewhat, to appease me, but maybe I am wrong. Wouldn't be the first time.
If you want to be supportive of his progress, then you have to try your best to keep from excessively punishing him.
Right. And I think I've come a long way in making progress in this area. But the avoidance issue is still in full effect.
Holding out on sex right now is definitely a form of punishing him. By holding out, you are sending a man that already has feelings of inadequacy a message that he has sunk so low that now you don’t even want him any more.
Wrong. You're missing the point. I'm not "holding out" in the sense that if he approaches I will shut him down. To the contrary. I'll be thrilled if he initiates and make sure not to critique the "performance." Just enjoy it. I just want him to show me that he finds me sexually desirable by initiating and Wanting sex with me. When I initiate, I always have in the back of my mind that he is just doing it because I want to.
it would really be best to give all you can to help reduce tension and create an emotional environment that gives your H the best possible footing to attack his emotional issues. In the mean time, if you need to vent and blow off steam, you have a lot of caring people here happy to listen.
Thanks Brian. I will do that. This board is a great place to vent so that I don't snap at H. But I'm still carrying out the no initiating plan for now. We'll see how it goes.