Part of me gets pissy, wondering why I am putting up with this BS. That he doesn't appreciate my sexuality at all. How can he lie next to me in bed every night and not even want to touch me? ___________________________________________________________
I struggle with this very same kind of thinking frequently. The hardest part is knowing in your heart that it would be different with a different partner. Then I remind myself that there would probably be some other gridlock issue like money or childrearing practices.
Quote: The hardest part is knowing in your heart that it would be different with a different partner. Then I remind myself that there would probably be some other gridlock issue like money or childrearing practices.
Isn't this the honest-to-God truth for most of us. In our hearts we question just how important sex is to us in the big picture and how much is that worth to us. We are not really sure what color the grass is on the other side of the fence only that is not what we are walking in now.
Hi Karen I think a lot of the HD W's on this board can relate to those feelings.
The hardest part is knowing in your heart that it would be different with a different partner. Then I remind myself that there would probably be some other gridlock issue like money or childrearing practices.
Yes, it would be Very different with a different partner. But like you said, there would be other issues to deal with. Still, having a mutually fulfilling SL and EC with someone seems like a much more meaningful experience in life than dealing with money and stuff. Is it worth the trade off? Would a person choose a lifetime of relative stability but unhappiness with their partner, or risk stability and find a passionate, meaningful SL/EC with someone else? I think lots of people will choose the latter, thus why we hear so many people discussing leaving when the kids are 18+. I can't even think about that because that's another 14 years for me.
I feel your pain. It is difficult to trudge through a troubled M knowing that there could be mind-blowing amounts of passion waiting just around the corner. Karen is right that there would likely be other problems that would crop up, and although those problems might not be overtly sexual, they would likely influence the sexual arena. But there is also that thought that floats around that maybe there wouldn't be significant problems. Not everyone is on message boards complaining about lack of sex.
I am also sorry about all the crap you are going through recently. I'm on that same rollercoaster, and unlike real-life roller coasters, the dips are no fun. The only advice I can give is to endure the dip, and strive to make the peaks get higher each time. And don't spend too much time watching the other people having fun on their rides, or you'll miss the good stuff on yours.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Thanks Chrome don't spend too much time watching the other people having fun on their rides, or you'll miss the good stuff on yours. Oh I don't. If there is one thing I've learned in the past year or so, is to enjoy life as much as possible. I am doing that, GAL, all that fun stuff. But the M is still very stressful for me. Intellectually, I know that there would be other problems with new people but emotionally, I struggle with keeping my passionate side in check. I just strongly feel that when it comes to the end of my life, it is going to be the people, the connections, that will have the most meaning to me. Who did I meet in life? Did I live it to the fullest? Were my kids happy? Was I happy? One life, remember.
Just remember, the only one who can honestly decide if you fcuked your life up is YOU. Don't let other people's ideas of what a good life is determine how you judge your own life. I'm not trying to dismiss the feelings of angst that you have over your M, I understand completely. I just know that when I get into a "I'm going to beat this life challenge" mode, things start looking possible for me. I know you are of the same breed.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
RE: LFL Maybe this is the wrong tactic but I really want to see how long he'll go to avoid sex if I stop harping on it. Will he step up to the plate on his own?
I did that with BB a long time ago. Guess what? BB took it as me not wanting her. What worked for us was for me to say what I was feeling in a caring way. Something like I feel "XYZ." Would you be interested at (half hour/15 minuets earlier than regular) bed time?
When I let things go for too long, those "NO's" were too difficult to hear. It's better to suggest things before you get to a point of desperation.
But maybe I am having my own mlc. Scared to get old and then have No one think I'm attractive. If my H doesn't think I'm sexy now (at least sexy enough to want to F on a regular basis) then it ain't gonna get better when I'm 60.
As long as there are SS guys like me, 60 is not too old. But I can imagine that does not help you much now.
The irony being that perfect strangers can see things about you through a stupid computer keyboard that the people we love right in front of us either choose to ignore or really don't see at all.
One reason is no baggage or responsibilities, no dishes to wash, floors to clean, and bills to pay.
Just remember, the only one who can honestly decide if you fcuked your life up is YOU. That's Exactly right! And thus, I tend to over-analyze every decision, every incident, wondering what I am doing wrong, what should I change, what is in my control....on and on. I feel that responsibility very deeply and it is a double-edged sword. If I'm not pro-active, will I regret that. If I keep the status quo of the M, will I be just as unfulfilled in 20 years? I don't want to imagine that but how can I not. I know, stop projecting into the future. But come on, if you keep doing the same things, perpetuating the same cycle, there is no reason to think it Will be different in 20 years. So what does one do? I agree with you that having a positive attitude is helpful "beat this life challenge" like you stated, but it does NOT mean the other person feels the same. You can only do so much as in individual when you are dealing with Relationships.
Wow, we were on the same wavelength there Lou because I just posted on your lonely thread while you were posting on mine.
Anyways, thank you for that perspective. The problem I have with me being the one to do the initiating is that whole assertive/submissive biology thing I have stuck in my head. I WANT the man to initiate. It's different for you and BB because you are the Man. Women like the man to initiate. I realize men like that once in a while too but ALL the time? No. It makes me feel crappy. Like I have to let him know I'm interested before he can become interested in me. That's not sexy to me and in the long run it kills me attraction for him. Vicious cycle. So I am holding on to integrity (and stubbornness) for now and waiting... As long as there are SS guys like me, 60 is not too old. But I can imagine that does not help you much now. You're wrong about that Lou. It certainly does help. It's not the age that is an issue as much as the drive. no baggage or responsibilities, no dishes to wash, floors to clean, and bills to pay. I know. Not realistic. But I know several REAL LIFE couples that seem to have very passioante M's despite all of the daily hassles of life. Isn't that just an excuse to justify some of our situations? I don't think I'm being unrealistic to think I could have a passionate M and still deal with the daily hassles of life. That's what I want, not a fairytale romance. I REAL M and all that entails.
RE LFL Women like the man to initiate. LFL, I will keep telling myself that. It helps to repress my tendacies to think I am being a pest.
Like I have to let him know I'm interested before he can become interested in me. That's not sexy to me and in the long run it kills me attraction for him But some guys that are not totally into themselves/self centered also need clues.
Lou=As long as there are SS guys like me, 60 is not too old. But I can imagine that does not help you much now.
LFL=You're wrong about that Lou. It certainly does help.
I try to shed some light on things that I have experience with. Me saying it might not help, was meant for how you might feel today about your H and his sexual advances towards you in the short term.
It was also something to counter what I used to think, all the usual women past a certain age had no or very little drive. Or no or very few W would want a sexual R with a guy like me without me contributing more to the R than just me. You know, the guy has to cater to the woman's needs and wants, has to have some $$ to keep her interest, has to do things for her or she is out the door.
I still think some or most of those things are true for many women, but I can imagine someone just wanting to be with me just because for who I am. Not that I am looking for an OW, but it makes me see my R with BB in a better light.
I know several REAL LIFE couples that seem to have very passionate M's despite all of the daily hassles of life Yes, I wonder about some people/couples too. Some hold grudges for months, others fight like cats (noise and flying fur) and make up in some areas of the R, quickly. I guess making up has to do with some one's priorities and what is important.
for now and waiting...