Thanks for another thoughtful post Brian.

This type of setback must have really seemed discouraging. Plus, your H managed to hit all your sensitive areas full force. Ouch.
Yes, I do feel discouraged right now. In a bad place mentally but I am also very aware of it so that helps keep it somewhat in check. To be outright rejected from H and then, last night, he still shows no interest in me, really hurts. I'm annoyed, frustrated, feeling kind of hopeless.
IT's not like things are awful. We are getting along well, things are "fine" in that sense, but the SL just is a continual struggle.

You have been pretty vocal here that you wish your H was more alpha, had more sex, showed more fire, and basically acted more the way that you do. If you have been that clearly vocal here, then your H most definitely knows these things too. Consequently, he is probably feeling like he is disappointing you and not living up to your expectations at a baseline level. Feeling like you are letting some one you love down can really make a guy feel like rejected, like less of a man, and suck confidence right away.
It is a vicious cycle with us. He is probably feeling like I am disappointed in him, which I have to admit that I am. I can forgive the drunken Saturday night incident, but he KNEW I was interested and even made a comment "maybe later" or something like that. Well, later came and went and come to think of it, I don't think he even gave me a kiss goodnight last night. Probably thought it might lead to more and Avoided me. I know, don't put thoughts in his head, but I know that man very well and I'd bet big money that he avoided touching me like the plague yesterday because he didn't want to have sex.

Why do you feel he focused on hurt instead of anger like you were? Also, why is it so important to you that he vent anger in the way you want? What does it feel like to you when he stays calm and somber while you are seething with anger?
I feel like he lacks passion for me/us when he doesn't express himself. He is like this in and out of the bedroom. It is safer for him to stay "hurt" than to be "angry. Lot of that guets into his FOO where his Mom went balistic if people stood up to her so I'm sure he sees some of that in me and shuts down, the way he did as a child.
He is fully aware of this FOO issue and is working on it in IC. But it doesn't mean it's easily fixed.

On this same topic, LFL, what were your parents like growing up in this regard? As a child, did you see your parents yelling at each other a lot? Was one parent more calm and collected while the other was more fiery?
My Dad was completely unemotional. Not too different from my H, although even more extreme. I don't think I've seen my Dad angry, sad, hurt, anything. At least he Never showed it to me. Probably why I'm getting pissy with H for the same behaviors. Damm FOO.
My Mom was more emotional but not overly. She got angry very easily though with my Dad. I even recall her losing it on him once and trying to hit him when he was ignoring her. That was the one and only incident. I remember my Dad proceeded to say "I don't need this" and went for a long car ride to escape the chaos. Never saw them really fight other than that so it is seared in my memory.

Have you historically been attracted to men that would yell and be dominate in arguments? Now, to flip this around, why is it so hard for you to control your anger and communicate the way your H wants to? What happens when you two exchange frustrations in a clam fashion? Do you feel he does not understand or hear what you are saying?
No, I do not think I have typically been attracted to guys who yell and are dominant. They tend to be more like my Dad just leave when they've had enough. My college boyfriend and I broke up tons of times, 80% of the time it was his decision. He always came back though. Hmmm.. so did H, come to think of it. So I don't know what that says about me. I'm a PITA but the guys still tend to come back for more? "Can't live with her, can't live without her."
So I know I have some anger/control issues. That's a given. I'm working on it but I also feel like that "fire" in me makes me who I am and I don't want to totally get rid of it. Just wouldn't be me to push the envelope now and then. Of course, H probably says the same thing about himself, just wouldn't be him without some avoidance tactics.
I think H hears me when I am calmer but I also feel like I am supressing part of myself, and then it leaks out in other ways. I become resentful even more of the crappy SL if I don't say something about it. Make sense?