Hi LFL, Just thought I would check out your thread since you have been kind enough to drop in on mine.
Our R histories are strikingly similar! Late bloomers, few casual flings, first BF (VERY similar sounding guys) followed by settling down with somewhat beta H's.
Quote: A perfect guy to me would be both Mr. Assertive/Aggressive as well as Mr. Sensitive Good Guy. An Alpha male who can be assertive in the bedroom yet when out of the bedroom, he "gets" me on a very personal, friendship, emotional level. He shares easily. He expresses himself easily and can show his emotions. He respects me and thinks I am an interesting person. He's extremely smart but never cocky about any of it. I'm not sure this guy could even exist in reality.
My first BF was almost exactly this. Into that mix add a truly f*cked up FOO, and an intense jealousy of me having any friendships (including my own family) except for him and you can see why I eventually left him. But when the two of us were alone together or just hanging with his friends that is exactly how he was (I still miss him).
I think Chrome and Brian_M seem to have read this as sensitive nice guy, but I did not, I read the assertive/aggressive alpha part but with the sensitivity to back down if they have crossed a line or are just plain wrong about something. To take account of another's needs and not just be a selfish jerk. Kind of like a really great leader, who knows where they are going and can really inspire a team to follow them but not insensitive to people's needs.
The biology of settling down with a beta while still fancying the alpha is actually pretty well observed. Birds were thought to be monogomous but in fact female birds nest-build with a safe beta and then have A's on the side with the alphas. This has also been found to be the case in humans very frequently. Often with the H's unaware that all but the first-born is not theirs. It is kind of an obvious strategy genetically. You want your kids to be alphas but these aren't necessarily the most reliable guys to nest-build with
When you say you wish it were socially acceptable to have A's outside marriage - in some places it is. In France very much so. A marriage is seen as social convention which keeps families and property together. When the couple reach the end of the "in love" stage they are usually free to have discreet affairs. No-one worries too much about it. Dinner with the in-laws is strictly family the mistress or lover never referred to. In other social settings, like a night out with the girls (or boys) people will talk openly about their lover. It seems it is our Anglo-saxon world that is more idealistic about what marriage should mean, but I think it is unfortunate as the current divorce rates are disasterous and take such a terrible toll on children.
Food for thought
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
