Were you a New Waver back then or did that come later?
Oh, that definitely started by 9th grade. Music was a huge part of my life back then. And college.
So, to sum up your R history, you went from shy and unnoticed to “wild child” very briefly at the end of high school. Then, college rolls around and you dove right into a serious long-term thing. You mentioned that you had some experiences in between, but those were probably just hard, fast, and short.
LOL! Hard, fast, and short, huh? Hopefully not too short, badumbum. But I get your gist. Yes, the college boyfriend was my first really long-term R and had some pretty short R's in between and before.
Then, right out of college you met your H and that was it. Is that about right? If so, did you ever really feel “comfortable, secure, and desirable” for any significant duration while you were single (the stress is on single here)?
Yes, that is about it. And no, I have never been "single" for any long stretch of time since 18. So you are correct, my "self-identity" was often lacking and/or too wrapped up in the man I was with at the time. I definitely feel like I lost myself even more as the M went on. But that was my fault, not his.
It is funny to read your description. Though, I can tell you from first hand experience that even though you list those as desirable attributes, the reality is that most women don’t actually go for “that guy”. Instead, most women seem to actually pick the arrogant insensitive dominating types even though they know he is all wrong. I am at a loss to explain this. Do you have any insight why women will list an ideal, but willing choose to go the wrong route in a man any way? Heck, your description is not your H, so why did you?
Oh boy, here we go again with "most women" I don't care what most women do when it comes to me personally. I have never picked guys that were jerks, meaning both arrogant and insensitive. It's often one or the other. My college boyfriend was too arrogant (which was annoying at times) but he was also very emotional and fairly sensitive. I liked that about him...and he was great in bed. My H is not arrogant or assertive at all but he holds some of the qualities I mentioned I wanted in a man, like getting me on a friendship level. That is very important to me and to him. I think it was ultimately the loss of our friendship and not the sex that led to our S. We no longer found each other interesting. Still working on that one as we work on ourselves.
As to why women would choose to stay with a jerk, they are either dealing with some self-esteem, self-identity issues themselves (often from FOO) and/or the sex with a domineering guy can be a turn on for some women. I understand it in theory, if I just met someone and he came on very strong like that I would be intrigued. Possibly have the urge to sleep with him. But that would last a very short time. As soon as I figured out he was a jerk, I'd no longer find him that attractive. Well, let me say this, I still might want to use him for a good F, but I would never be able to fall in love with someone like that or have any kind of meaningful R.