Wow, I know I am only a novice with a mere 6 year R, but I really hope that statement is not true. Even when contemplating D, I have always been “in love” with my W.
Hmmm.. maybe you are confusing "love" with "in love". I think of "in love" as that natural high you get from that person. Very common in new R. Once all the R problems start to come up and just through the passage of time, that natural high cannot be sustained. That's when you should be progressing into a more comfortable, committed love for each other. And even then, the commitment part can get iffy. Even when my H left, he still professed to loving me, so I can see how you could say that about your W even when considering D. would you say that you feel in love with your H today or has that changed? Well, I guess it's all semantics really. Yes, I love my H. Am I "in love" with him, in the sense that he gives me warm fuzzies when I see him?, no. That I just want to jump his bones when I look at him?, no. We have never been that way so I don't expect that to happen now. Again, the R was not based on passion but on falling "in love" with someone who I truly liked as a person, that I felt a bond with, that I respected, that I loved to hang around, be with, share life with. You get the idea. It was never about us having "hot sex." I think our LOVE is capable of surviving because we now CHOOSE to actively love each other. My H made a similar comment when we reconciled. He said that "us" and our M meant so much more to him now because after all that we went thru, we are still choosing to be together. He said THAT is love. Love is a choice, ultimately that you make in a long term M. You need to work at it everyday. If you don't, it fades. We learned that the hard way. So now we are hyper-vigilante to our M "status". Asking how we are doing, sharing how we are feeling about the M right now, what needs work, what have we made great progress on, how can it be better. My H is NOT a big R/M book reader, but he does have a master's in psychology so he didn't just fall off the apple cart either. We both work and/or teach in the field so I like to look at this BB as "field research." so are you saying that “hot sex” is a communication channel that you pick up the feelings of being desired, wanted, loved from? I am sure this is sore topic, but can you get those feelings from your H in any other way? Not a sore topic at all. I would agree that "hot sex" is one way I get that feeling of being desired, wanted, loved, but that is not always how it is. H and I are still only averaging about once a week sex. Two on a really good week. But our everyday language and gestures has changed quite a bit. I would say every day H will touch me in a sensual way, usually it's still in a teasing/goofy way, when I would prefer a more serious sensual/sexual advance, but I'll take the funny way since it's better than nothing. He also says things verbally to affirm my desirability and such. So things are very different in that aspect than they were years ago. I prefer the Words of Affirmation approach and Quality Time much more than Acts of Service. And frankly, we've never had a big problem with quality time either so I don't think that is my love language so to speak. I need to hear and see some affirmations from him to feel like he is meeting my needs. Surprisingly, it turns out, he is also a words of affirmation guy and so that has really helped him feel like I desire him more as well. Works both ways of course. You ask great questions Brian!
