Just wondered how everyone was doing? Theresa, I haven't seen much from you! My H and I are hanging in there... I think we've missed 2 or 3 dialogues in the the last two weeks, but otherwise we have been faithful. Things this weekend were a little more strained, but that might be because of flu and busy schedules. It reminded me that I need to continue to read and to work on me. I can't get complacent. How about some of you that did Retrouvaille in the not so recent past, do you continue to dialogue, and if so, how often? I was just curious to see if people were able to stick with it, and if not if that seemed adverse to their marriage relationship. Take care everyone.... would love to hear your thoughts.
Hi SJT. My H and I attended in July. We got a lot out of the weekend and were able to take risks and talk about things we had been holding back on. Retro really helps two people communicate with each other.
Sorry to tell you that we only did the homework a couple of times and attended one Saturday due to other committments we had. We continued talking though and my H really didn't feel a need to continue with the meetings or dialoguing. I know the folks at Retrou emphasized how important they thought that it is to continue and if it works for some folks thats great. My H states he can't figure out why after years of doing the homework these folks still need to dialogue everyday.
The important thing is our committment to our marriage and family takes first place in both our lives now. Our relationship is better than it has been in many years. In his words "we are happier than ever and plan on keeping it that way".
I wish everyone still working on putting their marriages back together the best. The turning point always seems to be that detaching thing and it is the hardest thing to do. Keep up the PMA and Patience.
Hi! H and I completed our weekend in September of 1999, and completed the follow ups in Feb of this year. The communication was OK as long as we were going, but he didn't want the monthly CORE meetings. It's been up and down since. We don't dialogue anymore, but I do try to initiate safe conversation. He's never been much of a talker, though (keeps things inside, and gets worse the older he gets) although sometimes he does surprise me and says something profound or enlightening.
My h is not in the slightest bit religious, and was quite annoyed by the religious aspect of Retrouvaille (not that there was a lot; he's just really wimpy when it comes to the Catholic Church. Wants no part of it. He didn't leave during the weekend though, which I had feared. Although he did ditch the Mass twice. What he got most out of the whole thing, was that which was the most basic to me...the descriptive words list of feelings. That was so strange to him, it was like a foreign language. But he was excited as he used his new vocabulary. That was a bit of a shock to me. I had no idea that his ignorance of real feelings was so encompassing.
I guess it's still very much in the babystep stage. I've been told by many that it may be all he's capable of. His main answer to everything is just "get over it"--- to develop amnesia like the case he's got. I am having some trouble with that one.
Sometimes he brings me flowers, though. And he has been very helpful around the house lately, doing all kinds of little things that he used to just leave for me and the kids. He will sometimes just get up and do the dishes after dinner. And he has been vacuuming the carpets every week. This is new behavior for him. And bringing me flowers is a new thing, too. That only happened once---and that was valentine's day during his affair. (I think ow got a bouquet as well.)
I still have deep wounds from the lies and the long term trust issues. Sometimes I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. Other times things seem pretty OK, and some days I even forget about the insanity for a day or so. I find myself more vigilant than I was in previous years. Sometimes I read too much into his behavior or his words. I really want the wounds to heal, but it isn't happening nearly at the pace I would hope. And I know it would be better for me if he could talk about it. But he is using his Ret. notebook for other things, and really doesn't want to talk either.
So in some ways things are a little better. And in others not much progress. He throws me a crumb now and then. And except for the fiasco at the party, (which I have pretty much written off to poor judgement under the influence of booze), there hasn't been too much regress. H does seem to be handling my traveling pretty well (maybe he's enjoying the time on his own?) I know I don't worry too much about him anymore while I'm gone. I used to in the beginning, but I realized that there's not a damn thing I can do about his running around (if he would be) when I am 1,000 miles away. So, I just try to trust that he isn't.
I'm taking it one day at a time, though. I have not set any particular deadlines for myself this time, sticking it out for as long as I see progress. Due to d having 1.5 years left in HS, and me just starting a new job, I need some stability for a while. But I won't go through what I went through again. I can't do that again and keep my sanity. So time will tell.
I'd love to say we got a miracle during the Retrouvaille w/e. And we got good things from it. And I saw many other miracles happen. And I am grateful that he stuck it out through the follow ups. Many didn't do that, and the success statistics are based on completion of the weekend + the 6 follow ups. So, maybe we really did get a miracle, but I am still quite a bit gun-shy, and need a little more data before I can say with any kind of confidence, that we've made it.
My yrs in the medical field did teach me that where there is life, there is hope. So, I remain hopeful... Regards, GG
How did you guys get your spouses to go? This is the problem I'm running into where my wife doesn't really want to go. How do I convince her that this will help us in the long run?
Could I have someone from Retrouvaille call her or what should I do. The next weekend is Nov 10th so I don't have much time?
I failed to interest my H in Retrov. It has been push, shove, beg, all the way since D-Day last July. He did attend 3 therapy sessions in Sept. 99 and treated the whole thing like ajoke. He attends weekly sessions with another therapist with me now, but is just "going throught he motions" and has always been adamant that therapy won't help but is going "for you".
I believe we need more than a 50 minute session of therapy once a week, which he's more than eager to blow off on an excuse.
I have no suggestions, just sympathy. And Nov 10 would have been the only weekend we could've made it away. One more lost opportunity to jump start our marriage.
Well I am here, not doing well but here, We went to Ret Sept 22, I loved it and my H thought we learned alot, he is not home though and I don't expect that he wil be coming home. He keeps saying that if we woud have went before he moved out them perhaps he would still be here, He is pig headed and his pride has got him now.
We go to court the 20th for D. I am not looking forward to it and there is not much I can so. I as many other have said to their spouses is that they would not contest a D, and so did I . so now, I spent my money on Ret, and now have no attorney, it sucks, big time.
I went to one post by myself, and we did do the homework.
Maybe someday things will work out and we can attend again when he is in a better state of mind. He has his pride now and is only thinking of making himslef happy and not his kids apparently.
I know it's hard because I'm going through all of that right now. My wife doesn't want to go to Retro or read DB or anything. She just wants a Divorce and that's final. I just don't know what else to do as far as she is concerned. I love her with all my heart but everything I read says leave her alone and let her work it out herself and work on me and I'm really trying, but we still live together on seperate floors of course and just knowing that she is still there makes me want to go and talk to her and see if she wants to work it out.
I'm at a lost, but I'm almost finish the DB book and it has helped me out a lot, but as far as my marriage goes that's yet to be seen.
I really want to go to Retro in November, but seeing as though it's a couples thing it's not going to happen.
Anyway I'm going to pray for you and I hope that you find the happiness you deserve in life.
I hope things work out for you. Give her space and time. They all seem to need that, Myself I just think it is an excuse,
I would feel better if we were still living in the same house, how can you work on a marriage if you no longer live together,
I ache for myself and for my kids, they don' tdeserve this one in 11 and the other 15, and they no olnger see each other except on the weekends, and it sucks big time.
I am not looking forward to the holidays, can't imagine them even arriving,
My wife doesn't want to have to deal with this at all. She just wants a divorce so that the pain will go away, but that's not how it works at all. I honestly just want her to be happy and if it's not with me then fine. I'll be hurt, but her happiness means more to me, but I can't get her to see that.
What I did is not part of my character at all and I've been really good to my wife the entire time we were together, but she doesn't want to think about the good times or the great times. She just wants out and she thinks it will all go away.
I hope things work out for you and I'll pray for you and your kids.
