Hi! H and I completed our weekend in September of 1999, and completed the follow ups in Feb of this year. The communication was OK as long as we were going, but he didn't want the monthly CORE meetings. It's been up and down since. We don't dialogue anymore, but I do try to initiate safe conversation. He's never been much of a talker, though (keeps things inside, and gets worse the older he gets) although sometimes he does surprise me and says something profound or enlightening.
My h is not in the slightest bit religious, and was quite annoyed by the religious aspect of Retrouvaille (not that there was a lot; he's just really wimpy when it comes to the Catholic Church. Wants no part of it. He didn't leave during the weekend though, which I had feared. Although he did ditch the Mass twice. What he got most out of the whole thing, was that which was the most basic to me...the descriptive words list of feelings. That was so strange to him, it was like a foreign language. But he was excited as he used his new vocabulary. That was a bit of a shock to me. I had no idea that his ignorance of real feelings was so encompassing.
I guess it's still very much in the babystep stage. I've been told by many that it may be all he's capable of. His main answer to everything is just "get over it"--- to develop amnesia like the case he's got. I am having some trouble with that one.
Sometimes he brings me flowers, though. And he has been very helpful around the house lately, doing all kinds of little things that he used to just leave for me and the kids. He will sometimes just get up and do the dishes after dinner. And he has been vacuuming the carpets every week. This is new behavior for him. And bringing me flowers is a new thing, too. That only happened once---and that was valentine's day during his affair. (I think ow got a bouquet as well.)
I still have deep wounds from the lies and the long term trust issues. Sometimes I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. Other times things seem pretty OK, and some days I even forget about the insanity for a day or so. I find myself more vigilant than I was in previous years. Sometimes I read too much into his behavior or his words. I really want the wounds to heal, but it isn't happening nearly at the pace I would hope. And I know it would be better for me if he could talk about it. But he is using his Ret. notebook for other things, and really doesn't want to talk either.
So in some ways things are a little better. And in others not much progress. He throws me a crumb now and then. And except for the fiasco at the party, (which I have pretty much written off to poor judgement under the influence of booze), there hasn't been too much regress. H does seem to be handling my traveling pretty well (maybe he's enjoying the time on his own?) I know I don't worry too much about him anymore while I'm gone. I used to in the beginning, but I realized that there's not a damn thing I can do about his running around (if he would be) when I am 1,000 miles away. So, I just try to trust that he isn't.
I'm taking it one day at a time, though. I have not set any particular deadlines for myself this time, sticking it out for as long as I see progress. Due to d having 1.5 years left in HS, and me just starting a new job, I need some stability for a while. But I won't go through what I went through again. I can't do that again and keep my sanity. So time will tell.
I'd love to say we got a miracle during the Retrouvaille w/e. And we got good things from it. And I saw many other miracles happen. And I am grateful that he stuck it out through the follow ups. Many didn't do that, and the success statistics are based on completion of the weekend + the 6 follow ups. So, maybe we really did get a miracle, but I am still quite a bit gun-shy, and need a little more data before I can say with any kind of confidence, that we've made it.
My yrs in the medical field did teach me that where there is life, there is hope. So, I remain hopeful... Regards, GG
