I wish my H would try to look more physically attractive! He calls me shallow because that is all I complain about in his opinion. "I should just learn to accept him." Sorry, but that is difficult for me to swallow since I am younger and maintain a decent figure. I know he is not going to look like the guys my age. I wouldn't want my guy to be a stud muffin because then I would have to worry about him having the affair.
Sky has pretty much summed me up, I do like action, excitement, attention, and passion. I want to live life fully. I don't want to be home watching TV and letting it pass me by. I spend 8 hours a day at the office plus then there is school. When I'm off, I want to do things. I would like to believe I am open to various things but I know that isn't quite accurate. I think the reason why I killed H's desires is that what he wants to do is BORING to me. I am not into plays, museums, and culture. To me they are just too sedentary. I think in the beginning that is what made me spend so much time with my horse, there wasn't any other option I was interested in. I know I am selfish that only consider my feelings. That is why now I'm not sure it is fair to stay married. I don't foresee myself becoming less active. For example, lately I've cut out my running during my lunch hour. H and I have been spending lunches together or because of my class schedule I don't have enough time to go. I have quit my weight training because it has caused conflict in the past. I am starting to feel uncomfortable in my clothes, which is causing me to associate it with H. I don't want to become like HIM!!!! Yes I know this is shallow…
What should I do for my H? What can I give that I haven't already? He won't explain his needs either but than again do I care. I believe I satisfy him. He doesn't complain at least. Again falls on deaf ears, I don't know. Right now I'm to the point I just don't know if it is worth it. I am trying to hold on until the counseling appointment next week. Why am I the one trying? H appears to be acting to like nothing has changed like we were a few years ago. Maybe I am totally screwed in the head. Why can't I be happy? Why does it feel like the whole world is on my decision yet if I make a decision it is wrong? Why do my actions have to impact so many people?
Funny how wasted time comes up. I keep listening to the song by the Eagles and wondering.
Yes, I've talked to the dr. H says the dr. probably only heard what I wanted him to hear. Maybe I am depressed. Maybe I am having a MLC. I know I've gone off the deep end a couple of times in the last six months. Maybe that is why H is trying to save the marriage, just because he is empathetic and feels sorry for me. He has already stated that he will keep my S until he finishes high school. He told me that I can stay until I finish college so that he can support me. Why should I stay if there is the possibility that it won't last that this will happen again. I know there has to be a change or two. I'm know I am the root of the problem. So eliminate me and no problem. I'm the one who is unhappy, unsatisfied and inflicting misery on others because of it.
