I just saw the portion of your posting where you described some horrible things that happened in your teenage years. Forgive me, I was reading so quickly before and that determined the tone of my last posting to you, which admittedly was strongly worded.
Jane, you need competent individual therapy. There is so much junk in your attic that needs cleaning out. You will never be happy until you set yourself free of your past, until you are at peace with yourself.
You probably did marriage your H for the wron reasons. There's an old saying: "Sometimes you make the right decision, sometimes you have to make the decision right!" You married this man, therefore you owe him another chance. If YOU get your act cleaned up in therapy and start giving to HIM, you might be damned surprised at what he can do for you!
You need to read Phil McGraw's "Relationship Rescue." It's about inner work as much as outer work on relationships. Terrible things have happened to you. But you've got to face them and move past them if you hope to be happy. Don't make you and the others around you keep paying.
Go on, Jane--get a good counselor. If your couples counselor does individual counseling for persons with your background, great. If not, ask for a recommendation. In fact, you might just concentrate on individual therapy right now. If that puzzles your H, tell him you have to work on your first as a means of saving the marriage.
