That's an important clue: that your H does not physically attract you anymore. Why? What can he improve? He owes it to you to look as good as he can for you (and vice versa, for all marriges.) This is fundamental!
And yes, I think you have stopped respecting him. Why? Only you can figure that one out. What attracted you to him in the first place? What is it that the OM does for you? Write all that down. That's what your H needs to start doing for you. (Don't give him the list just yet, you still need some relationship coaching!) You sound like a lady who likes action, excitement, attention, and passion, and I don't get those things from the picture you are giving us of your husband. Maybe he needs to shake things up a little, even as you learn to become realistic about what he can and can't do for you (and what ANY man can and can't do for you).
I think you need INDIVIDUAL counseling in addition to couple's counseling. You've got to get at the root of your unhappiness. Some of it is your H, some of it is YOU.
And you and your H better BOTH be sure you want this marriage. I don't get any sense of that desire from you or from what you have told us about your H.
Any chance, by the way, that you are clincally depressed? Even mild depression can make a situation look hopeless. You might want to have a dr. check. Because you don't sound on fire about anything in life, other than having a longing for the OM.
Do you think that your H loves you? That is, is he clamoring to save this marriage? At least ONE of you has to have that passion till the other catches it.
I saw another clue: early in the relationship you didn't do things he asked to do so he quit asking. He gave up! I think you killed his desire! It's YOUR responsibilty to do things he asks, just to be a sport, OR to negotiate a more mutually agreeable plan. Can't you all brainstorm TOGETHER things you can do that you will both enjoy? You don't have to be in each other's pockets, but you need SOMETHING that the two of you can have a good time doing.
You said yourself that you are more of a taker than a giver. That will never work!!!!! I think you are waiting passively on your H or some other man to make you happy by meeting all your desire. Get off your duff, girlfriend! Start DOING SOMETHING FOR YOUR H--it's very true that love follows action, not the other way around. If I may say so, don't be so self-absorbed! Giving and taking must be in balance: your H should meet your needs and you his.
If I had to make one more guess--and I'm betting your wishing you could put a sock in my mouth right now--I would guess that you are spiritually directionless. You are looking to self and others for fulfillment that can only come from God and from knowing who you are in God. I'm not a holy roller, so don't tune me out yet. Just as an experiment, if you don't go to church, pick one you think you can stand and go for 6 weeks. Get your mind off purely earthly things like what you want and relationships and look at the bigger picture. See if that pierces your gloom and enlarges your perspective.
Or spend one weekend in a soup kitchen, helping somebody who is worse off that you. I don't mean to sound harsh. But I think you are going in circles, trapped in introspection and self-aborption and I think you need a kick in the pants. I think your life is in a rut because you are looking at it through the same old dirty lenses, asking yourself only, "How can I be happy?"
Happiness is by-product. You don't get it by making it your sole pursuit. You must be spiritually grounded and you must think of others BEFORE you think of your own needs. Your own needs seem so looming right now, I'm guessing, because they are all you are thinking about.
I do wish you a lot of luck, Jane. I hope you won't find your time with us here wasted. If your H is hurting, for god's sake, reach out to that man. And reach into yourself and get on track.
