PJ, I said love is a conscious choice and an act of will, but I didn't say the will is always strong enough to force the decision. Give yourself the luxury of time. Maybe it will come back. Is it possible you feel guilty about what you've done, and how you've hurt your h? I've tried telling my h that guilt is the worst thing for renewing any kind of desire for another. It makes you serve someone, but it does not make you desire them. And he has tried to do nice things for me, because he's felt guilty, not only for how he's treated me in the past, but also for not loving me as he feels he should.
Things that seem logical being so difficult is because we're dealing with human emotions, which are not always subject to ration, though I do think you can make them so. Feelings can follow behaviour -- that's certainly one of the teachings of the church. Abide by certain tenets and you will start to live those tenets deep within you. Try to have a good time with your h. Talk to him and tell him that's what you'd like to do, without any pressure to be sexually intimate. Don't tell him it's because you aren't attracted, but say you want to go more slowly and start where you should have, from friendship. Is it possible that the reason you don't trust him is because your relationship began when you were so young that you have always felt a bit of an inbalance? As an illustration, I worked with a very good friend of mine a long time ago (that's how we met), but she was my boss. We both left the company not long after meeting each other, and we became really good friends. If we were to work together now, however, it would not work, because she will always have the view of me that I am her subordinate. That happens in work situations for sure, where the way you met is the way your relationship stays, with respect to a balance of power. Can you talk to your h about these things, feel him out, explore feelings with him of this nature. But when you talk to him, avoid statements that suggest you are criticizing him, or that you are disappointed in him. Ask him quesitons like "is it possible that we are falling into such and such a pattern...."
I can't stress the light-hearted approach enough. My h and I were in a really bad way about six months ago, and we have pulled it back from the brink again, and I do credit Michele's DB principles for that. Keepign things light, having fun together, finding ways to enjoy each other's company, and not forcing a commitment or a guarantee or the pressure of being in love. Just be friends for now. But explain it to him so that he doens't feel you are excluding him. If he feels that you are trustful enough of him to talk about this, and to explain what you doing, and that you need time and space to work things out your own way, I guarantee you he will give you far more space and be much more comfortable to be around, then if you leave him in the dark wondering what he's done to upset you now.
Take Jenny Baker's suggestion about seeking psychotherapy too. She's very wise and I have turned to her for advice many, many times.
