How come everything so logical appears to be so difficult?

I believe the attraction to my H in the beginning was stemmed from his personality and never was a physical attraction. He appeared confident and had many life experiences to talk about. When we started dating I was 20 and he was 39. I had a very difficult teenage period (molestation, run-away, pregnant at 16). Although I was married, the marriage was a total mistake and both first H and I knew it. I needed to get out of my hometown. We were only together for 10 months although married for 4 years. (I refused to file for D because second H wanted to get married and I didn't.)

I would have to say I was (am?) very dependent on being with a man. Being a young mother with no contact with S's biological father I also needed a father for S. (H and I have talked about this as well, H used me too.) I often wonder if I view H as father figure for myself more than H. H helped me grow up. He even admits that. He allowed me the ability to explore and find myself. He has supported and encouraged me in my decisions. I am in a way repeating his life too. He left his first W when he was 31 and he returned to school. It is scary how history repeats itself in the strangest ways.

Now, I wonder if I am being just like a D and trying to leave the nest. But if that was true why the OM? Did I revert back to my old self?

I believe we have set goals. We have been changing our home (painting and decorating). We have been doing more activities together but again at my direction. Yet we are maintaining separation. Keeping separate checking accounts, keeping my PO box, keeping the items from my apartment in storage, keeping bills separate.

I agree that I am trying to force myself to feel love again. Being that it is a choice, why can't I make it happen quickly? I am a person who expects results. We have been doing 'fun' things together but the gratification just hasn't been there for me. I just wish I knew I wanted and what would make me happy?

Why am I the one focusing on OR? How do you measure the baby steps? Was there ever really love in OR or was it just convenience? How come I never could say 'I love you' to H as easily as OM?

I am glad for this BB. If I was to talk to H like this he would become so physiological.