Jane, presumably you were at one time physically attracted to your h, otherwise you wouldn't have had an affair with him, and wouldn't have married him. Can you pinpoint when the attraction stopped, and what might have led up to it? Can you look back over your marriage and see the times when your h has not been attractive to you, and whether that's been because you were angry with him, but didn't say anything? Look for patterns in your behaviour and your h's behaviour. That will unlock the key to the actions that lead to other actions. Identify times when you HAVE been attracted to your h, and see why that was, and what you both did to cultivate that. I believe that you arenot attracted to your h right now because you're still infatuated with OM, and fantasize about him. Loving someone is a conscious exercise, it is an act of the will, and you can will yourself to get over the other addiction, and to look more fondly at your h. Is it possible that you are trying to push yourself too much to have feelings right away for him, and therefore setting yourself up for disappointment. Can you set out some goals, and take what we call baby steps toward accomplishing those goals. Can you talk to your h and tell him you want to take it easy, that you would like to develop such and such a type of relationship first before you get into the sex. If you really want your marriage to work, you need to get OM out of your system, and as much out of your range as possible. My h has deliberately put himself in OW's path as much as possible, and has refused to give her up for me (it's not even a PA, and she has told him flat out she doesn't want tob e romantically involved with him). He is determined to turn it from an erotic love into a platonic one, and doesn't seem to care how much it hurts me.
Instead of trying to talk to your h, who knows very well that you don't trust him, and that you don't feel that comfortable around, and who is probably very awkward because of that, could you instead suggest doing fun things together, without any pressures. It sounds to me like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to feel something that you don't feel right now, but explain that to your h so he doesn't feel left out, so he knows what's going on, so he feels included in your life, even if you can't get to a physically intimate point.
