I understand Harley's writings but H and I will not put all into practice. It is not practical for me to leave company that I've worked at for over eleven years nor H's new company, which is just starting to take off. I'm finishing school for my degree. Son just started high school. I don't agree with Harley's priorities and will not make that kind of sacrifice. I am keeping H aware of schedule, allowing him to keep tabs on me, trying to make sure that he knows I'm not with OM. I forward him e-mails OM sends conversations had. I've told H that I am trying to make one last chance for OR that if it doesn't work it will not be because of OM. The only thing that I've not disclosed to H is this site. I do tell him of the postings and my responses but just not were to go to read them for himself. I'm not sure why, guess I'm just afraid that what I may say here will be either interpreted wrong or used as ammunition.
It is difficult to get real when everything is in limbo. My needs with H are very different than with OM. I know I am the one who cheated and betrayed my marriage but yet I am the one who doesn't trust. I don't trust myself to be honest with my H. I do not feel I can express my needs to him. For example, yesterday he had an hour before his ride was leaving to go home. He asked if I wanted to spend the time together and talk. I agreed to the time together but we ended up going to a bookstore and looking around rather than talking. H already knew I was in a melancholy mood but I could not put into words why and so we just went about our business. I cannot express my need for sex to him. Now this probably seems strange to others but I need the release regularly. Since he is not physically attractive to me it is difficult for me to initiate. I wish I could figure out why I don't trust him! What did he do to me or is just that I don't respect him? Is there a difference? I believe these are the roots of my problem and not the OM.
