Okay, I think I'm ready to really place the focus back on my marriage but I know I'm going to need help. I've been reading this site for over a year off. Haven't posted except once to admit I was having an affair. Just didn't get the guidance I felt I needed.

We've been married for 7 years. We were living together as husband and wife for 4 years prior. We have a teenage son from my prior relationship. H has accepted as own. H is 18 years my senior.

I started having an affair over a year ago. OM is a co-worker and is also married. H knows about affair. Ending the affair and trying to rebuild marriage. I know this is going to be an uphill battle.

I moved out of our home 6 months ago. Officially moving back at the end of the month (gave up my apartment) but have been staying at home for over a month. I've purchased and read DB. Actually, I've purchased three copies; gave first copy to OM, second to a couple that is divorcing, and am reading, again, the last.

Things can be good with H. H is a good man. I've also read Harley's book "His Needs, Her Needs". H and I have always joked about our roles being reversed. After reading the needs of a male verses a female, I admit I have place more emphasis on the companionship, attractiveness, and sexual than the typical female needs.

I'll admit I've probably hit bottom a couple of times with the affair. I know I'll always love OM. I'll need help in not straying to him. It is so easy for me to love him and so difficult for me to love my H. They say that affairs are from a lack of respect. I believe that is a big part of my problem, I do not respect my H.

H and I have an appointment with counselor next week. I need another to tell H and me whether our marriage is repairable. H thinks is it but I'm not so sure. I believe that it isn't fair for me to hold on to him if I'm not in love with him. I know it is all about choices but some things just are and you cannot change them no matter what your choice is.

I've been trying to analyze the cause of my affair. I believe the primary cause was that my emotional need for companionship was not being met. H took a new job Mar 99 so we no longer worked together. I became full time student Aug 99 and maintained full time employment. Affair started Sep 99. We slowly drifted apart. As I stated early, I have maintained more of the male traits. Up until I started school, I would go horseback riding 5 days a week. This was my release and H understood that I needed it. We always joked that H placed horse over H but it is really true. We assumed that my going to school would not be any different since he and our son was use to my not being around. They did adjust, I didn't. I needed the physical release still and I needed to companionship of the commute that H and I previously had.

As H has told me, out of anger of course, I am high maintenance. I needed to feel special and since H couldn't be around because he needed to take care of our obligations (work, son, home) I became vulnerable. Although OM is married with three children, his W was able to take care of their obligations and he readily made time for me. He made me feel special. I had been attracted to OM for years and H knew it when we worked together. It was easy to not act on my impulses with H here and when H was fulfilling my needs but once the fulfillment ceased I became angry and searched elsewhere. H and OM are opposites and OM is very much like I am. It was easy to fall in love with OM.

H and I are now trying to do things together more. I'm trying to bring him back into my life. I know I'm the bad guy but he is the one who needs to change for this to work. I cannot change to accept what makes him happy because that will leave me unfulfilled.

Now that I've started understanding how this began, I need to figure out where to go from here. This posting is established as a foundation to recovery. I'm still not sure which way OR will go but I am hoping that this forum will help keep my focus on staying together.