Hi all, Though I posted above, I'm a relative newcomer around here. My H and I are also committed to making our marriage a good one. We are 16 months into recovering from his 4 1/2 year affair. We've been married 8 years now, so the affair lasted most of our married life. Finding out about it was the most shocking thing I've ever experienced in my life.
It has been very hard going for me. My H was willing to talk at first but now it is like pulling teeth. I find this humiliating.
More to the point of your post above, I am amazed at how much I identify with what you've written especially on 10/25. A big difference is that my H is not controling, he is abdicating all the way. Otherwise the similarities are striking. How does one not nag, become discouraged, frustrated, and angry in situations where a spouse says they will do anything it takes to build a good marriage then it seems like they won't lift a figurative finger?
My H and I agreed on Sun. that Tues, Thurs and Sat. we would take an hour or two to focus on our relationship. He had offered every day but I suggested we just try for 3 days. Well here it is Tues (first day of the agreement) and he forgot.
Maybe the secret is just to expect that he will forget. He has shown many times that this is truly most likely.
I remember a time when I was trying to get my daughter to do some chores. I was a single parent, working and in graduate school and I needed her to help out. It was of course tough on my daughter to have a wiped out mom. She just would not do these chores. What helped me turn a corner was when I accepted that it would be better to expect a mess when I got home. Then I didn't have the disappointment to deal with on top of trying to negotiate a solution. My daughter actually did clean up more after this. It probably was a 180 but I didn't think of it that way.
What do you think?
Maybe I should just cheerfully hand my H a relationship book, or bring up something positive that we could talk about, instead of telling him that it's hard on me when he forgets our agreements? We know that DB is founded on the idea that one of us may have to do more than "our fair share". Heck, I spend so much time trying to emotionally survive, if use that time to get focused on strategy, I might do better.
[This message has been edited by alottolearn (edited 11-01-2000).]
