I am the only one posting on my thread lately. My sitch is changing by the day as my W's temp goes from hot to boiling (about not wanting anything to do with me in a R), as her distaste for my goes from a little to a LOT to a litle again, as she dislikes my presence yet calls me often to care for our children on HER times. Mind you, I am more than willing to be with my children, but she is the one who plays I hate you, I don't want to be married to you...come here and do a favor (or 5) for me and take more turns caring for our children even though it's my time to do so.
Confusing, but not really. She has been consistent in ONE vein, "right now" (her words) she she wants a divorce. She also says that "if we are meant to be together in the future, we will re-unite." THAT really confuses me. She wants to be out dating (which she is) and she wants hesr husband to make her life easier so she can facilitate that. But I am keeping patient, sane, loving and gently assertive. However, it appears that I need to change the "gently"to FIRMLY assertive in saying NO.
Sorry HH. I know it feels like you are not being heard but it really does help to stay with one thread and ride out the lulls. It has happened to me and everyone else on the board from time to time but if you think of this as a place to mainly journal your experiences and hope for input, you may feel better.
As for your current sitch, I have not been commenting because I don't feel I have much advice for you other than the same "DB" advice as always. I think your W is still angry and bitter and my best suggestion is that you find a way to pull back even more. It seems like you are still trying to "fix" things and she is resistant to your very presence let alone you "fixing" anything.
So detach, back off and see what happens but most of all, redouble the "taking care of yourself" part of DB until there is a line of communication between you and W that will enable you to start working on your R.
I know that DB says no R talks for the most part but I can't help wondering if you may be ok to just tell W why you are going to "detach" and pull back. As a LBS you try to create mystery but as a WAS or cheater, you want to dissolve all mystery and be transparent so maybe the part of DB that says NO R talk could be amended for you.
I just feel like you don't want her to think your detachment and pulling back is for any other reason than to work on you and try to become a better man.
Please, anyone else out there agree or disagree with that?
That makes sense to me, GH. Trust is a pretty fragile thing in a situation like this, and it might keep her thoughts from getting out of hand. I think , HH, you could detach AND explain why, without losing it's effectiveness.
Quote: I think , HH, you could detach AND explain why, without losing it's effectiveness.
I think you hit on something. For LBS, there IS a hope that detaching and "going dark" will have an effect, even though that can clearly not be the goal. With HH, I think detaching and distancing himself is a pure self-defense measure without ANY ulterior motive. That is why I think he CAN tell her what's up in a matter-of-fact kind of way because there is nothing to hide, no master plan to expose, just a man trying to do the right thing and wanting to make sure it doesn't come out looking like the wrong thing.
I agree that HH is a good candidate for going dark.
Reasons to "go dark" and avoid contact with your spouse:
1) The stress of your sitch is difficult to handle.
2) You're tired of worrying about what you're going to say to W next time you talk and what she's going to say to you.
3) You need your anger to cool down
4) You want to plan to DB more effectively
5) You need to focus on GAL
6) You realize that you're pressuring W or otherwise not exhibiting good DB behavior, pushing her further away.
7) You're having trouble with detachment.
Here's a great thread on the subject, started by our moderator and commented on my Michele: Going Dark 101
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
I am sorry for not posting lately. I have been reading, though. I had begun to slide off the DB horse myself but I am fully and securely now back in the saddle . I find there is not only a "fight to faith" but a fight to REMAIN in faith, as well. I have a new prayer thread in the prayer forum, here is a link in case you are interested....
I will respond to all responses on my original thread. Thank you all for being so kind to quickly respond and come to my emotional rescue.
PLEASE SEE MY ORIGINAL THREAD. PLEASE!
BTW, thank you to GH for guiding me back to my original thread. I feel much less sad and much less lonely. I have definitely found out that I am much more sad when I feel alone. Good to know about me. I will post more DRAMA on my original post about my rollercoaster existence.
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