Run with me through rows of Speeding Cars

[MuddleThrough]

Sorry for your pain. I wonder if you can give him the responsibility of figuring out and doing the trying to actually make this work. It seems that because you have been doing the trying, and it pushes him away, this not only puts the pressure on him but leaves you feeling VERY rejected. If you can agree that he will take the lead on this and do only what he is comfortable with so that you're not pushing him away than perhaps you can make some genuine progress.

In these situations where not on is the spouse a cheater but they are running away, there's not really an obvious path towards recovery. We, as LBSs, feel that all measures should be taken by the WAS to make us feel more secure and deal with the complex emotional issues we're faced with. The trouble is that unless the WAS has had a complete perspective shift, is entirely dedicated to the relationship at this point and is no longer looking to the LBS to prove to them they are worth the WAS staying, then is could very well create another situation for the WAS to run away from.

I agree with RB - take a step away and GAL. Take the pressure away, enjoy what you have when you have it. STOP doing all the work on the R and continue to work on yourself. I think a part of your difficulty with the boundary between being close and being distant has to do with WHAT you are looking for in you interaction with him. Think about what you are trying to gain out of every interaction and if you are going into it with the intention of making you feel better, don't say anything. For example, if you are looking for security in confirmation that the A is over, recognize that you are feeling insecure in yourself, not just the relationship, and see how you can change your thoughts to address this. Clearly this pressure on him is making him bolt, and that's the last thing you want. Same goes for checking his email. I wouldn't do it. I would decide to either trust him or not. I know it's a big risk, but if you keep looking for proof or confirmation where are YOU in the R? You end up playing the role of parent, or victim, neither the role of a good S.

Hang in there.