Run with me through rows of Speeding Cars

[believing_isaiah43]

Well, I was put on call at work so I'm back online, after a Weepfest with H. I did all the weeping of course, the big snotface kind. ugh. We are in a bad place, and will be re-evaluating our M in October (2 months) to see what has happened and where we will go from here.

Here's why:
Let me tell you about H's FOO: he grew up with a father who defaulted to the mother in everything, wasn't much of a strong H in any way. His mom, probably out of lack of an R with her H, was all up in my H's life as a child ("ate him alive" H puts it) - she still does, wants to know about every little thing going on in his life. If you put your toe in, she will eat you all the way up your leg, KWIM? H became somewhat of a surrogate spouse, as far as communication goes. So H grows up feeling completely watched, poked, prodded and analyzed. Big hot button for him.

So here we are, married and having our recent issues (A) and he gives me access to his emails, shares more about his day, etc. but when I actually read his email, have an issue, check his iTunes to see what he's listening to, discover something like I did last night that embarasses/shames him, whatever... all this is like his mother eating him alive and guilting him into whatever behavior she was trying to get out of him.

And that's the paradox. As a wife post-A, I have access to his life. As the man that he is, giving that access and being analyzed by me is torturous to him and makes him withdraw further from me. Enter the crazy cycle: he feels poked/prodded and withdraws further, I want him closer and wonder why he's far off and pursue him. YUCK.

He has really pulled away the last few weeks (simultaneously when he started to watch these videos), somewhat in response to me all up in his sh!t (I think), and as a way to have something 'all his own' that no one knows about since the rest of his world is an open book (to me, and to a larger degree the community that knows of his A and job loss).

He is already getting further away from me and feeling less motivation to actually move toward me. Then I find this 'shameful' thing and he is really far off now. It's all come to a head.

The main point for H is that he has made efforts since January and changed how he relates to me, and has shared more of his thoughts and daily life in the last six months than he has in the last five years (true). That he has acted in a more loving way toward me since this has happened than when he actually 'loved' me. Possibly true, but I am so hung up on the words and feelings. Perhaps to my detriment. Every time he tells the kids ILY, it makes my heart ache.

I have not changed in the ways that matter most to him, especially the fact that I will not let go of my 'death grip' on him, and surrender control of our sitch, I keep trying to get a handle on everything, manipulate feelings/outcomes. And this has really put him at the end of the road - well 'almost' at the end of the road, he says.

I honestly don't know at this point if we can be turned around. He is so tired of putting up with me, and I can't blame him. I have no good idea of the boundaries between trying to be close to him, and totally avoiding him/leaving him alone. I have no sense of middle ground here. He tells me repeatedly that's not what he is talking about (the leaving him alone part), but that I don't even go a whole 24 hours without trying to control some portion of the situation, bringing up something about the A, etc that puts us backwards in the R. And that I won't just 'lose control' and be.

I cried a bloody Great Lake tonight, said that the last thing I wanted is to lose him or our M. I would try from now for two solid months to see if we could make any forward movement in this M and it was the most important thing in my life and I would try to figure out the balance, and I would need his help. I also told him I had no idea if we were too far gone for him to emotionally turn back toward me, and he agreed that he didn't know.

The fear and loneliness that statement triggered inside of me, I cannot even tell you.

I told him that I didn't force him into marrying me, and I could not force him to stay. If he indeed needed to leave to find happiness, that he was free to go. That I wanted him and loved him, but I didn't need him to be happy (don't know how much water that held, as I was crying in blind fear the whole time).

I validated and all that, but was so terrified and crying the entire time. I'm now upstairs in bed and left him on the sofa watching tv. I asked if he wanted to watch a movie but he didn't really want to do anything with me, so I left. So painful, I cannot even tell you. I'll be surprised if he doesn't sleep on the sofa tonight. He went to the sofa last night, and I managed to convince him to return to bed. It's lonely without him, and it's also lonely being near him. I don't know which is worse.

I am in desperate need of prayer here. I feel like I'm drowning, and am gasping for air. I really don't know how to give him 'space' when it's not avoiding him, or living 'separate' lives, which we did pre-A and it sucked. But he repeatedly says that he can't move toward me at all when I won't back off and let him. At this point, I do not trust that he'll move toward me anyway. And also how to 'let go', 'give up control' and feel safe. I feel very unsafe right now and so does he -with me.

I'm up here in my little bed with my little laptop. I feel rejected, unwanted and alone. I just wanted him to hold my hand or give me a hug, and he could barely look at me. I want to lay down and never wake up.

I imagine you'll see lots more venting/ranting (disguised as journaling?) from me here in the near future, as I am going to have to put all my crazy-a$$ emotions somewhere, and I can't bring up the A or anything in that realm with H for the next 2 months. I trust it will get easier to do, as it has improved somewhat over the last few months, just not enough, b/c when we argue OUT it comes. Or I'm having nightmares - it always goes somewhere. I dreamed H and I stayed married last night, but he was having sex outside the marriage and withheld it from me. Had a little posse of women he used to meet that need. What FUN these dreams are. Really helping my PMA. not.

If you guys would just pop in and virtually hold my hand, since H will not be, I would appreciate it. It's hard not to be the one to cut and run here, as I always do from anything painful. It's my first reaction. He has really shut down this time, and I'm scared out of my mind. It's like sitting next to a stranger in ways. A stranger who doesn't really want to engage in your conversation b/c he's tired of it.