Run with me through rows of Speeding Cars

[RBinBR]

He is horrified/ashamed/embarassed etc that I found that out, never told anyone in his whole life. I am just kind of astounded that he's so upset about this thing - the content is NO big deal. But he said he would rather die than for anyone else to know. If I bring it up in MC he will walk out, never go again. If I tell the pastor, he'll quit going to church. If people know, he'll move away. He doesn't want to speak of it ever again, and will quit right this minute just so he never has to talk about it.

So, your H has a secret obsession with something that is shameful or at least socially embarrassing. Of course, you should recognize that "quitting" doesn't address his root issues (whatever those are) ... and that his attempt to quit without help will inevitably fail if this is a true obsession/addiction., which I suspect it is.

The shame thing is HUGE in terms of understanding why the A happened, because this [whatever] makes him feel worthless and has robbed him of his self-respect. It is now THE CRITICAL ISSUE to address in counseling, and he needs to do it somehow.

I hope you didn't agree last night when he asked you to never discuss it with him again. The key thing now, though, is for him to feel safe with you, to know that you won't hurt him. I strongly suggest that you go way out of your way to do something special for him in the next day or so. Thing about his preferred love language and do something to feed that love in an extraordinary way.

BI, I think last night may have been a "tipping point" (if you don't mind a recent cliche) in your sitch. This is your big chance to repair your M.