Run with me through rows of Speeding Cars

[believing_isaiah43]

Thank you so much RB and Muddle, and I wish I had read your stuff before he got home, but I ran out of time to get back online. Muddle is actually right, it wasn't what I thought at all (long fat story) but after finding that myspace acct, I searched for some other stuff and found him registered at youtube searching for/watching some videos that were NOT at all outright p*rn or anything, just weird/odd. I didn't hardly care about the CONTENT, just that it was so SECRETIVE, you know?

Felt just like a throwback to the computer weirdness that was going on during the A (secretive/undercover stuff -ish) So THAT was the big elephant in the room last night that I pointed out. Not as lovingly as I would've liked - b/c I wanted to sit on my emotions for a day, but just couldn't in this instance.

He is horrified/ashamed/embarassed etc that I found that out, never told anyone in his whole life. I am just kind of astounded that he's so upset about this thing - the content is NO big deal. But he said he would rather die than for anyone else to know. If I bring it up in MC he will walk out, never go again. If I tell the pastor, he'll quit going to church. If people know, he'll move away. He doesn't want to speak of it ever again, and will quit right this minute just so he never has to talk about it.

Logic was futile in this part of the discussion, needless to say.

I realize this is raw reaction from someone just confronted with an issue he is embarassed about.

But also, b/c he never feels safe with me, he is really afraid that I'll throw it in his face (as with details from the A) when I'm upset, or if I try to D him at some point I'll bring it up. And that this 'thing' is not about me, but I keep making it all about me and how it affects me. All roads point to how things affect/hurt me, not him. And his point there is valid, I am sad to admit. Again, my relationship toolbox is sorely lacking here.

We were up quite late talking, yelling, talking again. Finally to bed after 3am. Had nightmares and an upset stomach when I woke up today. Have no idea where to go next. I did wake him up briefly to tell him that I love him and, apparently, there's nothing he's going to be able to do to make me stop. (dammit)

I'm curious that if this whole scenario was reversed, what his reaction(s) would be about it (and if he had a S who would NOT talk about it; he will pin me to the wall until I talk about something that bothers me and this is a HUGE double standard). I feel like someone shot me and I'm bleeding out.

I wanted to pop in and thank you both enormously for posting in my time of need. RB, I did pray, quite a lot before and after he was home.

What happens next is still up in the air. Waiting for the dust to settle here (again) and see what we're looking at.