Run with me through rows of Speeding Cars

[believing_isaiah43]

Hey Always, you are so insightful. Thanks for consistently popping in and shedding light into my darker corners. It is hard, the emotional component to the A (loved her, wanted to marry her, most perfect/beautiful woman, etc), as well as the sex. The sex was only once (although talked about ad nauseum afterward) and the EA was so much longer than that prior to the PA. So, yeah, just a big stewpot of difficulty to strain the reality through.

It's a bit like snooping, the asking for clarification, in the emotional fallout it can bring. I have NOT brought it up as of late, and while my thoughts still whirr like a Quisinart many days - it stays contained w/in my own little brain for the time being.

We have a mutual acquaintance who is separated with a D3 and his wife is having an A. He is all-to-pieces over it, and has spoken with H on occasion, ironically, as he has no idea of our sitch, and then one afternoon spoke with me (we see him at our pool with our kids). H just asked me tonight, "What did you tell Friend? b/c he says you 'told him' about our problems"

I said "No. I did not. I told Friend that we had been on the verge of separating in Dec/Jan, that we'd had some problems but it was H's story to tell Friend if he chose to, and if you had told me at Christmas that I would still be M'd and together, I would've laughed in your face. I said all that by way of encouragement to Friend." H wasn't at all mad when he asked me, but I think he seemed surprised that I would "spill the beans", and seemed reassured that I did not, in fact, spill said-beans as H initially thought.

Believe me, enough people know about my beans in this small town, that I do not need the extra hobby of bean-spiller on my resume.

H has perhaps forgotten that it's not exactly a point of pride that he found me unattractive and not worth being married to, not too long ago, and someone else was much more worthy to him.

I was speaking to another mutual friend (who does NOT know) about a 3rd girl we know, now divorced, who's H was cheating on her during their InVitro treatments, forGodsSake. My gf's H commented that this girl was way too attractive for her H to be cheating on her. Ouch. People are so ignorant about A's when they don't have to worry with them. I of course piped right up and said, people have A's no matter how fantastic the spouse looks. And then I shut up, and mulled over my inner checklist of all my imaginary OW vs BI traits. Logic be damned, apparently.

So. Just worked 3 night shifts and on dayshift today
- don't know which end is up this week, and working so many 12hr shifts in a row just sux for the state of connectivity with the family, esp. H. Feeling needy and whiny. Just tired.