Hey BI....sorry about the hamster. May she rest in peace, and perhaps go that eternal Hamster Wheel In the Sky...where you run all day and NEVER get tired.
Cat and BI....I KNOW how hard it is to forget the A. I am fine through the day, and then WHAM. I think the only reason I'm fine most of the time is that I don't live with H. Sometimes I think that maybe this thing is bigger than both of us. Then I talk to some friends here with wonderful, 30-year Ms where one or both partners had As. I have no idea. I can intellectualize it and all that, then there is the visceral response.
I think more than the sex, it's the emotional part. Then again, my therapist said the other way too, and it's all hard.
I love that song, Cat. The video is heartwrenching. You think he's talking about a lover, but he's talking about his mother who loved him through all these issues he had, and never gave up on him. It's such a sad video.
Cat....has H come clean about the A and details? Probably not, they never really do, it's too humiliating (oh, yeah, b/c I was NEVER humiliated..like the phone call I JUST GOT that rumors are STILL going around about H and his As....I felt FANTASTIC about that and H is the ONLY person suffering....what a bastard).
BUT...if you want this to work, I think the "clarity" questions have to minimize. Here's how I think it could work. Perhaps if you work on the M, build a solid foundation of friendship, trust, and all that nice stuff, you can THEN ask about the A. But, I know in order for you to do that, you need closure and disclosure from the A. But, push through it. I am a big believer in that you get what you seek, eventually, if you're patient and have a strategy of letting the other person come forward. I think you would get more honest answers out of him if he is more comfortable with you, more comfortable with the M and your connection.
Though we're still miles from that, my H is more open about the "why's" of what he did, what happened. And it usually spills forth in the conversation as it progresses and we have some good dialogue building, with me being CALM.
