I have had a difficult week emotionally, and worked nights too, which 'disconnects' me from the family and makes me feel adrift. So, a double whammy.
I'm really grateful for the friends here who have posted encouragement and also similar feelings. I feel much less alone by having this BB and the amazing people who 'live' here.
Something I don't think I've brought up here is the fact that H told me during the A that he didn't love me anymore, would never love me again, and hadn't loved me long before the A started. "I'll always care about you and what happens to you, and respect you as the mother of my children" yadda yadda, etc. Quite the teardown.
About 2 months after the A ended -around March- we ML for the 1st time and he said ILY. He wrote it once in a card not long after ("i do love you") and that was it. We had some grand come-to-Jesus discussion not long after that and H recanted the ILY. He wants to feel it, but does not, and is through telling people what they want to hear just to spare their feelings, and that includes me. He trusts that doing the right thing, etc, will bring back the feelings, that God will honor the marriage and he will someday love me again. Not to 'yadda yadda' God, b/c He can do anything. The question I guess is WILL He?
About a year pre-A (I only found this out post-A), H lost his love for me and was praying for God to restore it. God did not, and to compound the insult, H fell in love with OW. yippee. So in the heinous aftermath of an A, we're supposed to find love in the rubble? (yes, i'm being a smarta$$ tonight, b/c it's just p*ssing me off and I can vent here)
So, H doesn't love me, yet he cares for me and wants the M to work, etc. So I didn't bring that up again b/c hey, it hurts like hell, let's just sidestep that for a while please. And I certainly stopped saying ILY to him after that. Big elephant in the room for me.
But, this week in MC, it's been 6 months since H left the A and severed all contact with OW. So, I decide to ask him 'in a safe environment' in front of the C, where his feelings are for me. He reiterates that "I care for you very deeply" (oh, VOMIT) but not the other. And of course I sit there with the big leaking eyeballs (b/c apparently that's what I do a lot of in MC) and a whole world of hurt for this lost love. Fcuk. Fcuk. Fcuk.
I've been reading Jokerman's thread in Newcomers (as is everyone!) and one of the things that breaks my heart is how he doesn't love his W and never did. How the OW is prettier, and more fun, etc. even though she's a fcuking lunatic and his W has the grace of an angel right now. But I digress. I am fortunate that my H was, at one point, hopelessly madly in love with me (and vice-versa), so it was there at some point.
But my fear: am I stuck with someone who will never love me again? It sure feels like it. That has been very discouraging, on top of the chest-crushing-A-flashbacks I had prior to this happy convo this week. Not a happy place. I realize, as H says, 'it was a long walk in, and a long walk out' but dang.
SO! To recap! A difficult, disconnected, non-love-filled life this week. Wheeeeee!
Yes, I'd like a little cheese with my whine. Might as well vent here, and not freak out IRL.
Any encouragement welcome.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
for the 1st time and he said ILY. He wrote it once in a card not long after ("i do love you") and that was it. We had some grand come-to-Jesus discussion not long after that and H recanted the ILY. He wants to feel it, but does not, and is through telling people what they want to hear just to spare their feelings, and that includes me. He trusts that doing the right thing, etc, will bring back the feelings, that God will honor the marriage and he will someday love me again. Not to 'yadda yadda' God, b/c He can do anything. The question I guess is WILL He?
Might as well vent here, and not freak out IRL.
