Cat you are right. My H said the same thing. He said that he could not talk to anyone like he talked to me, was not in love, carried away. He said he projected great things onto her that she really wasn't. blah, blah.
I read things he wrote to her, and it wasn't what he ever wrote to me.....he wasn't florid or loving, and I remember each of her emails she always nagged at him for not calling, not spending time, etc.
He said the same thing that your H did, Cat. That at times he felt unappreciated by me....not just for things he gave me, but other things, like I nagged him, criticized, in his words..."men want to give, be the caretakers, be the earners.....they want to be appreciated for that. You Sh*t on what I gave you....and I wasn't looking to get into another woman's pants, just wanted someone who was crazy about me, that would appreciate what I gave them....that needed me in that way....I like giving, and I like someone being happy in receiving it."
Well, I appreciated every gift he gave me, even the guilt gifts. But, he's right, I didn't appreciate enough the other things. I did in the last year, but he's hurt over the other stuff.
I think this is a large part of it too. Sadly, I didn't think we played into gender roles, but I think we do. My H was never like that, but recently admitted to "what men want"....the fixer, the provider, the earner, the doer. And, to be honest, I like being the nurturer, the carer, the giver in that emotional way...which is why a bulk of my feelings of failure/disappointment (turning to resentment) towards H was that he was miserable with work and stayed that way, often wanted to be that way...and I could do nothing to help him, console him. I hated that he thought OW was "joy and excitement" to him in dark moment (our M), yet I tried and was nothing close to that when he was miserable with work.
BUT, now I realize, b/c of what H has said, that he wasn't really happy....miserable and depressed all the time. I know that too, b/c of how fragile he was during the time of the A, how hollow that happiness was, and how he admits that today. AND, if the A was so damned good, why are they back now, or in my case, why does he hop from woman to woman and always say he's miserable.
