BI, I know those feelings well. I too want what she gave to him, or maybe a better way of looking at it is I want what he brought out in her. It takes a pretty self-aware person, which I think we all are here, to understand that how you are is a choice, not a simple reaction to your environment. Our WAS believe the "love" they share(d) with OP is what made them who they were in the affair. To a certain extent, they are right, but in reality, there is more to it, and it's that "more" that we're after.
Why did my W feel so much more able to be physical with OM? Why did she open up to him? Why can't she do that with me?
I ask myself those questions all the time and I have also asked her. Neither of us has answered the questions yet.
BI, I think the fact is that something, the personality of the OP, or the fact that our WAS were running and this person just happened to start running along side them, becoming an instant "best friend" may have played a role. The euphoria of "love" probably added to that feeling that they could be "open" with the OP in a way they don't REMEMBER being able to be with us.
I think there are a thousand things that factor into this but I think it's dangerous for us to fall into the trap of expecting them to just be this way with us. There is a LOT of history of feeling unsafe and really, just plain not wanting to be that way with us, that they have to overcome, in addition to any negative feelings we are projecting into the sitch (i.e. our anger/frustration/pain).
You are perfectly normal to feel that crush, just realize that what you want is NOT what they had. You want what YOU had with MAJOR renovations so that your old house (M) is totally transformed but still a place where you have history and family. It's a different desire than wanting a totally new house.
