Run with me through rows of Speeding Cars

[believing_isaiah43]

My gosh, ya'll. I came to ask for help with a situation that has made me VERY uncomfortable for the last few hours. Normally, I would get all freaked out, not process it long enough, and attack H with it in an accusatory way well before I had time to even ask for someone else's opinion. But because of the amazing people on this board, I knew almost immediately that I had to ask YOU for help first before I made any potentially stupid moves.

Now, I've just read about GH's sitch and just want to go pout and cry in a corner I am so upset for him. This compounded my bad mood - I am amazed I didn't say anything when H came to say goodnight, and bust my own sitch wide open.

Anyway, let me take a breath and calm down to tell ya'll what the heck I'm talking about. And before I even start, no, this has nothing to do with the OW. Not directly, anyway.

Since we've been working on the M, H has given me access to his email accounts. I have his passwords and his computer remains unlocked (where, during the A, he had started locking it up w/ a password so I couldn't get on) all the time. Anytime he changes passwords, he tells me. He has no idea if I'm doing anything with that knowledge or not, but wants to correct his mistakes by giving me access and no reason to worry. His words.

With ya'll knowing that, I'm not sure if it's considered snooping or not if I check is emails. And I do occasionally, but not religiously like I used to when I was hacking during the A, or right after it ended when I just couldn't stop reading his emails, even benign ones to nobody about nothing.

I consider them "random drug screens" just to see where his head is at. OW doesn't even have this new email address, so it's not like I'm looking for her there.

Usually there's nothing even remotely of interest, but sometimes there's an email to a close friend or two about our marriage and I get an idea of where his head is at and how he sees us, outside of what he says only to me. Most of it has been mildly reassuring.

A week or so ago, H sent out a link to some 1980's music videos to a group of people (myself included) and a lot of high school friends of his. Several of the friends replied to the whole list, and so I could see the debate publicly of various 1980's bands, who liked who, good-natured ribbing about it.

Stick with me, I am making a point I swear.

SO: I get on this evening after work to see what's going on briefly. And in his Trash folder there's an email from a chick that H knew in high school. I met her about 9 years ago, and have been in touch with her myself occasionally over the years, most recently having made a huge scrapbook for H's 40th birthday last month of memories from people he's known all his life, and been in touch with all of these high school people for months compiling photos and memories of them for the scrapbook. She, of course contributed.

She had been married when I first met her, and has now been divorced for several years. So what I found is an email from her that contains a long thread of emails between them. She was replying to the banter from the other HS friends, and HAD replied to the whole group previously, but this time she replied, it was to H directly instead of the whole group and they went back & forth about 5-6 emails between them. Last one from her today. Don't know what he sent back, if he did. The gist of it was reminiscing about who each of them dated in high school; why did you like him? why did you like her? where did our group go that New Years? what was that girl's name? etc. How's your XH, asks H. He's in C, she replies, and tells that he never even told the C they were divorced, blah blah. And H replies that she's better off w/o her XH (which is true, he was a nightmare).

But, STILL. Is anybody with me here on the whole discomfort thing, or is it just ME b/c my H has previously had an A and I'm extremely sensitive to one-on-one conversations he has with any female?

DBing (no R talk) is not really the issue here, b/c we're both supposedly commited to working it out, so this is fair game as a concern. Or is it?

Do I say, hey H I was reading your email the other night.... ?

Is it snooping if he gave me access?

Should I wait and bring it up in MC this week?

If I do, is that an ambush?

How would you approach this subject? I don't want to make him defensive, or convict him about it, and it would have been just fine had it been a 'public' email for the whole group to see.

I KNOW I am not keeping quiet about it b/c my inner red flags are going off like crazy, just for the whole discomfort thing. I have learned from my H's A - he doesn't see these things coming, this slippery slope with a 'friend', he's just suddenly in Inappropriateville and didn't realize he's bought a ticket. I want to avoid him getting on any train here, but don't want to be the Fidelity Nazi, you know?

Some help? I would sure appreciate some insight here, I'm a little foggy on my perspective.