Run with me through rows of Speeding Cars

[believing_isaiah43]

Well, sure enough I got to work last night and ran like a horse all night with 2 admissions and busy patients. More fun tonight too. Ugh.

I will post something GH wrote to Emily21, that has been a struggle for me as well. Very insightful I thought:

Right now, you feel safe in being angry and sad. If you decided today to be happy, all of a sudden you're in uncharted waters and you'd have to accept the unknown. You KNOW how to be angry and upset, that is natural to you now. Learn how to accept that the unknown is NOT something to be feared or avoided.

That is SO true for my life; being hurt, defensive, and looking out for MYSELF first above others (in an UNhealthy/protective way, not a GAL way) is my Default mode. Doing anything else is UNnatural and quite unsettling.

We're moving slowly, though. Thought we were moving backwards there for quite some time, and I - in my innate, frustrating way - got (surprise!) impatient and cranky and stuffed it (I thought) until MC on Monday where I suddenly started crying uncontrollably b/c I was so lonely and scared this wasn't going to work. Not big fat squalling sobs, just that quiet desperate misery where your eyes cannot stop leaking, your voice is small and pitiful, and you feel so helpless/hopeless. MC actually said it was good that my emotions do come out, and was concerned that H doesn't let his out much.

We also discussed in MC how H doesn't feel 'safe' with me, secondary to how he was raised - crappy conditional-love parents always waiting for him to fail, they never talk about what a great kid/man is was/is, always bring up something bad about him/his actions - it's a VERY hot button for him. C asked him what it would take to make him feel safe, and he really doesn't know, which is somewhat no-win for me, obviously. He kept saying that he needs me to stop 'nagging' (UGH!) him about coming to bed at the same time, and to give him credit for what he DOES do, and stop throwing the OW/A in his face when I am upset about something unrelated (although at times, all roads lead to OW when I'm upset. Working on that).

That's about all the direction I got, so these issues are obviously important to him, but the not-coming-to-bed thing just SUCKS, and more so b/c it was ongoing PRIOR to the A.

So we have more discussion/fighting/whathaveyou later that evening after MC, maybe-you'll-be-happier-without-me-and-we-can-find-what-we-need-to-be-happy-outside-of-the-M-blah-blah, H getting frustrated with that crap, and I get in the car and go to my 'thinking place' for about 20 minutes to clear my head.

I can't even remember how we ended the evening, but it wasn't the happiest place in world. Then H comes to bed around 2am and initiates some serious, kick-a$$ - it was flatout fabulous, and I was, frankly, humbled by how he could just put whatever resentment/weirdness aside to just be with me and meet a need of mine (and hopefully his, but as you guys know I'm the one who wants it more and feels an EC with him after IC - I am a stereotypical guy here, for some reason). SO here's this amazing session in the wee hours after a really difficult day between us.

The next day we teased each other a little about it, and I honestly told him how I was humbled by his effort to make things work in spite of such yuck between us, and that I have been difficult and obtuse, and asked him to forgive me for that. I told him "I'm in" (re: working on making a M that makes us both happy) and he said "Count me in, too". I really would jump off a cliff for him, to make things work between us, when I feel "fed" physically and connected to him that way. My whole attitude/countenance is completely shifted when this happens. Odd? Am I a man trapped in a chick's body? (ha)

H has started his own business since losing his job post-A, and we've been working together on the website, and discussing the clients he has/and ones who are in the wings, etc. This is something that's been nice to discuss between us, as well as finishing the basement for his office, etc.

While I thought this was a good thing (and still do to a great degree) MC encouraged us to spend 30min together a night to discuss NON-task topics (i.e. NOT kids or work), but things where our 'hearts can connect'. She pointed out that we are wanting the same things from each other but our hearts are not finding each other in our communication, if that makes sense.

Okay, YAY! I've posted something other than 'I'll be back' FINALLY.

Oh, and GH posted some Linkin Park lyrics this week, and I listened to that group MUCH during the A so I thought I'd share the lyrics to "Easier to Run" which was both H and myself at different (thankfully) times during/after the A:

It’s easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb;
It’s so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I’ve kept locked away no one can ever see;
Wounds so deep they never show, they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they’ve played

(If I could change I would, take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn’t have;
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there’d never be a path

Just watching in the sun
All of my helplessness inside
Pretending I don’t feel misplaced;
It’s so much simpler than change