Quote: But he made the -sadly accurate- point that I'm not changing/making the effort because I'm WAITING to see if it's safe for ME to go the the deep end. And until I'm reassured, I won't step in and get in the deep part.
I wise woman once told me that until I was ready (and I, like you obviously am not yet) to take the kind of emotional risks it would take to FULLY open myself up to this new R with my W, it would probably not happen. Until I was ready to lead by example, SHE would not be willing to take the even bigger (yes BIGGER) risk it would take to come back to the marriage 100%.
The point was that yes, we have been through hell, but the key here is that our worst hell is in the past, or for the most part anyway. THEIR hell is ongoing (relatively speaking). They went through hell to get to the "affair point" and then hell during the affair (yes, it WAS/IS hell no matter what they said) and then when they look forward to their future with us, they envision more hell ahead.
In their eyes, we are bitter, angry, hurt, untrusting, spiteful, and bent on revenge...maybe. We are just as likely to take them back and then cheat on THEM for a myriad of reasons than not. We are likely to take them back and then become a WAS ourselves in a week, month or year. In their mind, we will NEVER truly forgive them. How could we when they can't ever forgive themselves. In their mind, we'll never really believe the affair is over...because in their mind THEY aren't sure it is either...guilt, guilt and more guilt, mixed in with a little regret and a HUGE amount of uncertainty.
BI, at some point we have to accept that we are probably going to have to jump in the deep end with all the lights off and the very real potential that we are jumping into a pit of oil filled with mutant sharks. We have to understand that for the most part, we are living on the side of the equation with all the resources for understanding what we are going through. We are in no way superior to our WAS's other than in the fact that our lack of ignorance of these issues puts a greater burden on us to act in ways they are probably not even aware of as options.
Our burden is to act out of unconditional love, knowing full well that we could be hurt again, but so too knowing that if we are, it will be OUR decision to be so again, NOT theirs. IF we choose to love, trust and live with them again, we do it knowing they are deeply flawed, as we are, and that those flaws COULD lead to more trouble down the road. We are tasked with forgiving the unforgivable so completely that they see the path to that forgiveness for themselves. To forgive them their transgression is to forgive ourselves for whatever role we played in the situation that lead to it.
We take NO responsibility for their acts beyond contributing to a mindset and we take FULL responsibility for our own life, decisions and love.
BI, it IS up to you to jump in to the deep end but realize that now, more than ever, you can swil better, kill mutant sharks with a quick flip of your wrist, and if need be, call on an army of "little ear-pieces" (us) to help you at least figure out where you may have gone wrong, if not stop you from going there in the first place.
Stay strong, learn to take risks that you KNOW you can handle, and even a few you may not, and live life the best you can.
